crazymotherof3

2008-08-27T07:02:00.001-07:00

If I didn't have my friends and my aunt there, I think I would have broke down on my birthday weekend. Lisa and Ana were the main ones there for me and kept me going. Friday night, we went out, yes I know I know I have been gaining weight, well it was obvious when my pants ripped! hahaha Yes, they ripped! So that didn't help the rest of my night. I will just leave that at that.

Then Saturday, I had mainly planned for my family to be with me but my friends were more than welcomed to come. Well, let me start by saying that day I knew I had to make some changes for myself, I've always done WAY TOO much for my brother and dad that when I called them to see if they were coming, it was like a knife in my heart and they twisted it to make it hurt more. They didn't come. My Aunt, April, her friend and Marcus (1) came out and we had a great time!! But after they left, I was alone and cried the rest of the weekend. How could my family not want to be there for ME! I mean it was suppose to be my day, I wanted to be with them!

So its all about me and my kids and everyone who has never let me down and has stood by my side and been there for me and my kids. I can't do it anymore. I've prayed about it and I just feel, its time for me to let go and keep moving on with my kids and my life.

My Birthday

2008-08-26T06:49:00.001-07:00

My son is 7

2008-08-06T08:47:00.001-07:00

Time just flew by! My son turned 7 yesterday and its been a month since I've seen him. He was at his father's for summer vacation, got him back on his birthday and it hit me "He's not a baby anymore" he's grown so much and acts like a "big boy" hahaha He wont let me kiss him in public cause its embarrassing! He walks around like he is that man of the house! Which technically he is the only boy in my home! We missed him so much and now he is finally home and another year older.

We're On!

2008-06-11T06:44:00.001-07:00

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY DADDY!!!

So last week I wrote to TXA 21 to have my father nominated for the Father's Day makeover!!! So of course Tracey Kornet emails me and tell me that my father got it!!! I was so excited!! So I called my dad and he is like "but thats not me... I appreciate the thought, etc etc" so I told him "Ok I'll talk to you later" and hung up. I kinda started tearing up a bit because I really wanted this for my dad. My dad has been single for at least 15 years!!! His life had always revolved around us and he never makes time to get out there and find someone! So I called him back about 15 mins later and tell him "You know what, I have decided, you are going. We did this for you and you cannot turn it down. Come on, how many dad's get to experience something like this with their children. You are going!!!" haha So he gave in! haha We had a blast!! Tracey was only there for about 5 minutes but she was great! She told me I was crazy (who woulda thunk?) and that I was really cute! he he By the way I love watching TXA21, the whole team is funny to me anyways. He got a new outfit!! New hair do!! My daddy looks great!! Now I just need a picture to post! Hoping my brother sends me one!!

My dad isnt use to the look but he looks great!! So time to get him out there and find someone for my daddy!

Quick update

2008-04-07T09:08:00.001-07:00

Ok Alex was transferred to Sugar land, Tx. Which is about 4 hours away!!! He thought he was getting out but its just another transferred. His family I guess panicked and his mom offered to buy dinner Tuesday night, and they were too busy to watch my kids so that I could work the MUCH needed OT BUT then called me Saturday morning saying "You can bring the girls after 5".... DEEP BREATH... "I wont be able to" response "Huh??" and I said again "Im sorry I wont be able to"... " Ummm ok"... "Ok bye! (in a cheery voice)" So I think when his mother comes at 8 tomorrow night to bring dinner I am going to have a talk with her and tell him that I am not a charity case and if you cant come and spend time with the girls on at least Alex's weekends then Id rather not have them come by and drop off food especially when they eat AT the restaurant first and then bring the food by!! We eat dinner at 6 and she doesn't come till after 7:30... she's bought the kids dinner twice before and both times asked what time we eat dinner and I have told her 6 but she doesn't come till after 7:30.... Its like they are always taking care of his sisters kids and they are too busy for my girls then makes up excuses that they cry at night.... Well who ever said they HAD to spend the night?? Whatever, I just need to know if they are gonna spend time with them or not!! Serina is feeling pretty left out since my son always goes to his father's house and Alex isn't around and she is always with me, which I love!!! I just want her to have somewhere to go when my son isn't around so that she feels wanted ya know. But apparently its too much too ask. They are always taking her sister, Natalie, out skating, swimming and stuff so what is so hard about taking her sister?? If I have to pay for wherever they are going, just let me know!!! I really just needed to vent and put it out there cause its just not fair to my girls!!

Ever since my sister left her husband its like she forgot that I have to work OT, she doesn't watch my kids anymore cause she is too busy partying with my mom. Needless to say me and my mom are not talking. I hate that our relationship has always been like this, I grew up with her always putting me down, over working me, never paying attention to me and everything was my fault. "Its her life, she is always busy" and to me that mean I/my family and me are not apart of her life and when I pointed that out to her, she ignored that and say "I can't help if you are stuck in your ways" WHAAAAT? So, I just let her be, she wont change, she never will and I am tired of trying to make her be a part of my life....

I missed church last Sunday cause I hurt my back and was in pain up until Saturday, I think I just needed to rest and relax my back so today I am feeling better. I went to church yesterday, I love being there its like it reenergizes me for the week!! I love it!!! I feel good, its going to be a good week, I know it!! It has too!

Im ok!

2008-03-25T12:38:00.001-07:00

I have been so busy at work its crazy! My youngest daughter turned 2 on March 17th! I baked a strawberry cake with strawberry slices on top, LaJuana and my babysitters family came and had so much fun!

Serina ended up cutting her hair!! "But mommy I didn't want to wait anymore I wanted my hair short" Arrrrrg! hahaha She is still really really cute but I am not a short hair type of person but my daughter pulls it off very well!

My son has been with his father since the 13th and he finally came back yesterday! I missed him so much!! We went to IHOP to eat and they had a Dr Seuss theme going on so they had pancakes with pink and purple syrup and kissables sprinkled on top with a lollipop in the middle and their drink was 7-up with red and blue Jell-O pieces in it THEY LOVED IT!!

I know this is JUST A PHASE Im going through. Don't take the following serious! hahaha I miss being held at night. A good man to call me and ask how my day went. Someone that misses me and I miss them. Even just have him think of me. Ya know, I have been feeling down a little lately, don't know why really. I've been reading my Bible everyday like always and praying but I don't think Im ready to let go. To let go of the feeling that I want someone by my side. I know with me being a single mother of 3 little ones it will be hard for a man to accept me and my kids. I think the main problem is that they will think they will have to "support" my children, ya know, they wont understand that I don't want someone to "support" my children, I do that that's my responsibility and honestly I don't want to share that! hahaha But only accepts them and respects them and is there for me.

DEEP BREATHE

2008-03-13T09:20:00.001-07:00

I took a 5 day "vacation" from my job! It was so nice, I ate way to much, did a lot of running around that was needed, SHOPPED (wow its been years since I've said that without having graceries a part of that word hahaha) got me 3 pair of jeans that I can wear and not have my stomach in my chest! hahaha Ok it wasnt that bad but still! Got my kids a lot of what they needed my girls really pretty dresses and my son 3 pairs of suits for church! THEY ARE SO CUTE!!!! I treated my self out to eat once a day, still took my kids to the babysitter and had time to myself! It was nice and very much needed!

THEN I come back to work and wow taking a vacation the work piles up! hahaha I've been busting my butt to catch up and then my sup gives me a project of 5000 accounts to work on! SOOOO YEA I need another one! hahaha

My children have been good, they got their bunk beds set up this past Sunday and they love it!! My back really paid for it and still is! I am so hard-headed I had plenty of people i could have called to help but did I? Nope! I'll get over myself one day! hahaha I've been baking cakes and stuff with my kids and they are enjoying the extra time I am able to have with them now. Its good :)

DRAMA

I talked to Fidel (ex-hubby) and he told me the 2 craziest things yesterday. First of all, he wants to go 50-50 custody with my son Fidel! Um no! Never will I give up my kids, he had his chance to have 50-50 but he wanted all or nothing! So be it, God turned the tables and has blessed me and my children and there is no way I will ever give that up! He said he was tired of driving back and forth during the weekdays to get him to and from school and that he wanted him to go to school there and I replied back "I did it for over a year and not once did I complain, he's your son, you are his father you do what you have to do, but its your choice cause I will not let him go, so if you continue to keep taking me to court even if its been 10 years I will be there!" Secondly, I asked him about this house he supposively bought and I told him that he was suppose to notify me within 30 days. He told me he hadnt moved into the house yet and when he does he will notify me. And I asked him "Also, I would like to ask you something, and its completely up to you but if your girlfriend moves in with you I would like to meet her since she is going to be a major part of my kids lives and if you say no then ok that's your descision" and he replied "Hell no!" and I told him "First of all please do not answer me like that, if you say no the ok" and he goes "Just to let you know (and he said this so cold) I will never marry or live with another female again. It will never be the same as me and you. No woman will ever make me feel the way I did again" WOW! I didnt know what to say to him, I just said "Well if that's how you feel then so be it, you never know when that woman will come along and change your mind" and he said "Why do you care, you are out there dating?" and I said "I am not dating and you are the father of my son so I do care to a certain point" and then he ended the call by saying "Well whatever, I will just see you in court"

You know it hurts me sometimes to be so "mean" but you know what God has a plan for my family and I know it involves all my children together. He has made me so strong and able to handle everything that has happened and He continues to bless us in ways I never dreamed of!! I dont laugh or try to "talk down" on anyone because its not how it works. I want me and my ex hubby to have a good parenting relationship but I just wish he wasnt so cold and then it seems he is taking it out on other women. I had always treated him right, I have always been good to him, never tried to be vendictive and when he took my children away from me, at that point I knew what I had to do. All I did was fight for my children back!

Well I will end this for now... need to get back to work.

Hmmmmmm

2008-02-28T11:46:00.000-08:00

How can you love someone and not know anything about them?

Example : Favorite color, favorite number, what foods you like, what turns you on, what your favorite song is?

I want answers from everyone.

Do you feel that???

2008-02-20T07:41:00.001-08:00

My arm being twisted by Ash telling me to update! LMBO Yea so... V-day wasnt as bad as I had planned it in my head. I got off of work, went home got ready, picked up M2 and headed to Olive Garden! We get there and everyone is still waiting for a table, so we talk and then Stace noticed that a group had been seated before us!! Soooo they got us settled and M2's friend, Misty, came a couple of minutes later, Oh Lord! If I would have known how crazy she was I wouldnt have ordered food, she had the whole table laughing so hard I think we may have gotten 2 bites out of our food!! She was great company but she has to be a after dinner thang, cause I know I was hungry when I left my apartment! hahaha

So, my neighbors upstairs are pretty much drama. The people they bring over, the loud music and the constant fighting. *deep breathe* So in the last 3 days I have been functioning on 9 hours of sleep TOTAL! Yea, so I am in search of a Lease-to-own home in my area and if not then I guess I am stuck where I am! :(

My children, man I dont even know what to say. I can't say this enough but they are a blessing to me. Every day, it never fails, they tell me "Mom, you are the best mommy ever, I love you" And I make it a point to always tell my children every day at least twice a day that I love them and for them to constantly make it a point to you too its amazing. For those who dont have children, Im sure you are a aunt/uncle/cousin/something and still know what I am talking about. Its like those words are nothing compare to them coming from a child who say what they feel and not worry about the reactions they'll get or who will judge them, they just say it and mean it!

OOOOOO Saturday was Lisa's baby shower and we had a blast!!!!! She looked so happy and the baby got lots of stuff from toys to clothes to his first spoons and forks! It was great!

Valentines Day

2008-02-14T07:34:00.001-08:00

And the day starts

I actually did it!

2008-02-11T06:59:00.001-08:00

Ok this may not seem like a big deal to some but it is too me! You see when I was 14 years old I was the only girl who had very long hair... Im not talking to mid-back Im talkin below my butt long. My grandmother made me promise her that I would never cut my hair. Since it was so important to my grandmother it became important to me. Well since I have only had about 3 car accidents, including my last one which was the major one to me so my back and my neck have been through a lot! My hair is/was so heavy that I would get migraines and such... so what did I do? I cut it! Granted its only mid-back but you know what that is a WHOLE lot to me! Of course that's after I got my grandmothers permission. I wish I had a before and after picture but I don't so the previous 2 posts shows my hair now!

Multimedia message

2008-02-11T06:13:00.003-08:00

Me again

Multimedia message

2008-02-11T06:13:00.001-08:00

And there it is!

I wanna cry!

2008-02-09T08:02:00.001-08:00

My sister called me and told me that she doesn't care she is going to pay for my hair cut AND to take me to go and get a pedicure! To me its like I am about to be pampered and its been YEARS since I've had a pedicure (and no my toes aren't IN NEED hahaha) and as far as a hair cut I've never had a hair cut mainly trims so my hair right now right below my behind and Im cutting it to mid-back!

Ok so yesterday I received a bill that was SO VERY unexpected and I called my cousin since she was the one that ran up my bill 3x that I normally pay and of course she'll see what she could do! I don't even know why I tried anyways heck they owe me money already AND never replace using up ALMOST everything! I felt like breaking down yesterday and trying to figure out what bills I can push back so unfortunately there is not much that I can say "Oh I don't have to pay that right now" Sooo Im working on Sunday which is the one day that I vowed NEVER to work on but its got to be done.

But on another good note, wanna end this positive, for some reason I am not too worried ya know. For some reason I know its going to work out, I know it. I think Im making myself worry but I just don't feel like I am going to fail, ya know. Wishful thinking maybe or the Lord knows our needs and He will not let me fail.

Oh and Lisa's baby shower is THIS Saturday and WOW, its been a long time since I've been to one that wasn't mine! LMBO!

Actions speaks louder than words

2008-02-07T12:33:00.001-08:00

You know what... I got a letter from him today and he was livid! How could I just leave him? What is he just a piece of f*ing trash a f*ing past to me?

Hmmm, you know, can you see the changes? Things aren't going his way, he is mad. I don't want to be with him, he is mad. I cant get over the past, he is mad.

He will not give me up! He is not letting me go without a fight! Watch!
Hmmmmm

Wow, what was I thinking, what's wrong with me! *sarcasm*

No changes, his temper is obviously still there and he is mad cause I am done, just like we were BEFORE he went to jail.

How dare he even get upset with me?! Curse at ME?!

You know, he says he's matured a lot and has changed and wants to live his life with me and my kids and go to church with us. You know, actions speaks louder than words.

Today maybe...

2008-02-06T08:18:00.001-08:00

I got a response from Alex last night and he got the letters where I was telling him about the couple fighting upstairs and how much it reminded me of how we use to fight and how he would put his hands on me. I wrote about these 2 incidents that burns my memory and he told me how sorry he was and when he read it and thought about those days he felt so low and so stupid. He wrote how he would never treat me like that again, he wants a chance to show me how love is suppose to be and so on.

You know, a man its suppose to protect his woman emotionally, mentally and physically. A REAL MAN. But because I let these "men" (referring to my ex-husband and Alex) treat me the way they did, I second guess everything about me, I am so scared of letting myself get close to anyone even some of my friends which thankfully I have 3 that I can trust, and I don't know if I want another guy in my life.

Well anyways, I am expecting a response from him today regarding the letter I wrote him telling him that we are done, I need my space, I need to concentrate on me and my family. *deep breath*

I went to church Sunday and the message hit home with me. I have a lot of changes to make, a lot of things I need to accomplish and I need mainly Him to help get us there!

Trip plannin... Im on it!

2008-02-04T09:18:00.001-08:00

I went to church on Sunday and it was needed! Me and my girls enjoyed ourselves and Im glad I got my lazy butt up to go! hahaha Everyone missed us and catch us up on everything so we are good now! :)

Lets see.... what else. Oh, I am waiting for my IT to come in so I can hurry up and take a MUCH needed break! Me and my aunt are going to go to Galveston with the kids this summer! I am sooooo excited! I can't wait!!! My kids are going to have soo much fun! I need to check it out and find out what's out there so I can "plan" out the places we are going to go and of course GET THE MONEY! LOL There is this hotel along the beach and I am leaning that way so that when we wake up in the morning we can just walk out and we are ON the beach!

Lets see...

2008-02-02T12:09:00.001-08:00

I wrote Alex and told him that he needs to understand that I can't be with him. There is no way I can let go of the past, all the hurt and all the lies especially while he is in jail. But honestly I still would want to visit him and write him. I honestly feel he needs to know there is still someone out here to support him and will help him. If I do turn my back on him, he is just going to go back to the way he was and never change, I dont want that. He is still the father of my girls. Not saying I will do everything for him or fall for anything he may say or do BUT just knowing that someone has that support for you can help keep the person on the right track. His mom and them are obviously only there to put money on his books.

Its weird writing this cause I know my mindset and everyone who may read this may think, yep she is still dumb! LOL No, its not like that. Im more less being a friend. I would never turn my back on my friends, I would support their decisions and help however I can. That's what I am doing for Alex. I want him to get his life right, I want him to learn how to support himself and I want him to know that there is someone there ready and willing to help him. HELP not do everything for him, only help!

Not gonna freak out

2008-01-31T06:53:00.001-08:00

Ok so I called the Parole Board just now and I questioned it and they said "we don't see anything like that in our system only that he will not get another parole hearing till Dec"

So he is either still tryna keep me around by saying "hey Im getting out in March" OR that guy that went over his denial papers really did tell him that.

When I found out that he could be released all that was going through my head was all the "harassment" and him forcing himself to be with me like he had always done. He wrote in one of his letters that if I were to leave him that he would make my life a living hell, like I know he really can and that he would be worse than my ex-husband. Which he had already accomplished that and I never thought anyone ever could. I know he can make my life hell, he knows way too many people that don't care (if you know what I mean) and I know I will not deal with it and if it comes down to it I will call 911 but damn it why do I have to always be with the psycho ones! Im tired of drama, Im tired of worrying about everything. So I will not freak out and if he gets out just keep on going and if he wants to go crazy fine, he'll do it back in jail. I am done, I am ready to move on!

2008-01-30T11:50:00.001-08:00

Why is he still trying to control me IN JAIL!?!?!?! I told him I would not go this weekend to see him mainly cause I don't have the money and I told him I am tired of it... SOOOOOOOOO he decides to write his momma, hmmm, and tell her I AM going and to let me have Natalie so he can see her and he is going to send me money!? Umm if you have that much money you shoulda been sending me something every chance you got! Why send me money so I can see you? What about the time I had very close to nothing for food, why didnt I get some then? Arrrrrrrrrrrrrg!

What's wrong with me?

2008-01-28T06:25:00.000-08:00

No no not like Im crazy or anything. But I went to see Alex on Saturday and its like wow, I see myself different. His words didnt get to me, I was honest with him. I saw he was hurt but I am not putting him down or being a b*tch to him, but everytime he asked me "please believe me, I only want you, I promise you, etc" I would tell him no, I wont. He told me he understood why I feel the way I do and why I will not let him live in my home, he hated saying that but he admitted he did it to himself. I was almost like, I dont have feelings for him anymore. It may be because Im living my life now, Im having fun, Im taking care of my kids by myself and I know I dont need him. Who knows. But I know when he gets out things will get hard for me. I know how I am, I want to help him better himself and I will end up bending over backwards to help him. Whether we are together or not, my children will need him so I feel I need to do my part to help him get there. He'll see that as us being together and make it more than I want it to be. He was denied parole BUT the parole guy came to talk to him about it and he told Alex that once he is done with his classes in March he will be released! Darn it I am not ready! So I may have to face him sooner than I planned,

He was denied!

2008-01-24T08:45:00.000-08:00

He was denied Parole on Jan 7th! Is that a sign?

He doesn't understand not surprised

2008-01-24T08:12:00.001-08:00

I got a letter from Alex yesterday and he was telling me to not to leave him to give him one more chance and how he knows he doesn't deserve it, I was too good to him and that he knows that if I give him this one last chance that I would never regret it. Then he goes and says "I was expecting this, I knew I was going to go through this again and I saw you drifting away already, blahblahblah" Hmmmm, kinda pissed me off? YEP! WTHeck? Have I not been writing him almost everyday?! Going to see him almost every weekend?!? Writing a letter to the Parole Board?!? I have always told him from the beginning "I am here for you, I am here to support you! If were are not together when you get out, I just hope you change for yourself and for these kids depending on you"

He knew we were done when he went in! He knew I felt like he didn't love ME before he went in! I mean come on! You think I am going to sit here and put these fantasies in my head that when he gets out we are going to be the perfect family? NO! I refuse to let myself fall for words!

I didn't sleep last night (can you tell?) A couple that lives above me were fighting and arguing and it sounded like they were right next to my bed *sigh* then I heard him hitting her and fall to the floor and the kid(s) crying and screaming and I reminded me that that use to be me! Many of you know that he was physical with me! I had bruises, scratches and marks on my neck to prove it! And if you didn't, now you know. And I was thinking of that woman upstairs and feeling the pain, hurt and how scared she must of felt! I had to call the cops, I couldn't just lay there listening. By the time the cops got there the couple had just left together! *Flash back* What the heck was I thinking?!?! Why did I allow myself to be treated that way?! Why did I let him do that to me?! WHY?

Does he not understand all the things he put me through?! Granted me taking him back over and over and over and over again didn't help, so part of me feels like I deserved it. But all the cheating, lies, hurt, pain and every abuse you can think of....... and I am suppose to let it all go?

Because of that relationship, I am scared of being in another relationship. Heck I doubt myself all the time. I don't see myself the way some people tell me they see me. I don't see "beauty", I don't see anything that could be possibly good about me. Granted I think I have a funny personality but I think it helps me hide everything I feel about me. I know I am not the only one that does that. Putting on a smile and making everyone else laugh makes me feel good.

And I think about this whole thing, and I should have left him a long time ago. My children deserved better, they don't need to think that that's a normal relationship. I want my son to know how to respect women and how to take care of them physically and emotionally. I want my girls to learn how a man is suppose to treat them, love them and care for them and to show them how to treat a man right. How there is suppose to be that balance for them to depend on each other but to still be independent

oh yea

2008-01-22T08:02:00.001-08:00

Sunday was a BUSY BUSY day for me, I have to drop off my sister's kids, go see my brother, go visit my cousin in the hospital she just had her 3rd kid, THEN come home put up groceries, Lisa came over to eat EVERYTHING I had, kidding kidding! hahaa Then left on a road-trip looking for a Marshall's and decided to stop by Walmart to pick up something I had ordered and on the way back to my car I was joking around saying I couldn't find the key to my car and she snapped at me "you better be playing" and I said "I am just playing" so we finally make it to my car and YEA I really did lose my key so we had to retrace our steps all through Walmart only to end up back at the front at Customer Service and someone had turned in my key! LMBO

2008-01-22T07:49:00.001-08:00

I went to a friends place last night with my baby and had some nachos! It was really good! My baby of course was just running in circles... lots of space to run around in! hahaha It was nice, lately I haven't been in the mood to stay home. I made up reasons to get out this weekend. And I think I finally know why. Well I think its me coming home alone, ya know.

And I know, I am still not ready for a relationship or anything. Its just I didn't have anyone to talk to or I could relate to ya know. My baby isn't talking yet and I can't really have a conversation with her! hahaha Even if I could, I don't need her knowing her mommy is crazy! hahaha

I think about Alex getting out all the time. He told me at visit that if I don't let go of the past then we'll never work. But I don't want to let go, its what keeping me strong and I think I am just protecting myself. I don't even know if I want to be with him. Why does he deserve ANOTHER chance? He even said it himself, after Mothers Day (by the way I spent alone unpacking my stuff in MY apartment and eating baloney sandwiches with my baby while he was out eating with HIS mother and going to a bar-b-que because "I wasn't his mother and mother's day is for HIS mother") he knew and saw the change in me. I didn't not put up with anything anymore, I didn't care what he said or what he did, I started doing my own thing and I wouldn't 'get his permission' anymore, after all I am 'only his babymomma and not his wife'. He knew we were done but he didn't want to let go. He said that he refused to believe that I was done with him. Now he is locked up and I have been his only supporter and NOW Im his everything. I told him that I don't believe anything, he wants me to let go of 3 years of pain so that we would work it out! Why? Even if he has changed, why does he deserve me again? I gave him everything, I was ALWAYS by his side, trying to help him better himself and see what his children need from him. The main reason why I have supported him while he is in jail is because I need him to be a man and see how his children need him. I am not out to hurt him but whether we are together or not, he needs to be the man his children need!

Multimedia message

2008-01-21T14:18:00.001-08:00

Ok this sucks! Im sending this directly from my phone! Jan 12, 2008!

I'm lame I know!

2008-01-21T12:18:00.001-08:00

I went to talk to Alex and ummm yea he is going to move back to his mothers when he gets out but he is begging me to reconsider! (I'm not saying begging as in kissing my butt) He was asking me to reconsider and telling me how much he realizes he needs me and the kids in his life and with him at his mom's he couldn't show me how much he loves me or would be able to help me when I need him. Sometimes I feel like I really do believe him but why does he have to "maybe" change in jail!?

So I have a feeling when we find out if and when he gets parole I may have a change of heart. I even used a example of "well if you move in with me, your mother wouldn't approve or support that cause we are not married and we would be living together and no one will force me to get married" and he told me "so what I don't care about what my mother says or thinks, its about you!" WOW! Not really what I was aiming or planning for but all I want from him is to take care of his family not push his mother, etc away just ... heck I don't know how to explain it. But for those who know me knows what I mean. Family is important to me but my children are MY family and their needs and wants come first!

Well, I'm enjoying being single and able to do what I want, when I want, and be with who I want! Since he's been gone I am able to be with my friends more, spend more time with MY side of the family and I have less stress and a lot more confidence in myself. Granted my self-esteem is low but the confidence in I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN has been 100%! I love it and I enjoy myself more!

I am looking forward to V-day now! It seems like its going to be the best one I've ever had! Good friend, good food and about us! We don't need a "significant other", we are just going to enjoy company, laughs and food!

Guilt maybe?

2008-01-19T07:39:00.001-08:00

I am going to see Alex today and my mind it totally blank! I had it all set on how I was going to tell him. I got a letter from him yesterday and I guess I was reading it, taking in all the words he was writting to me and its like WOW he knows me! He knows how I think, he knows what I will say to his responses and he answers me! (get it?) But the crazy thing is I dont know him! How could I have spent about 3 years with him and not know his thoughts, his anything? Who was I in love with? Was it really love or just the feeling of having someone there?

Now the more I think about it, am I still around cause I feel guilty for telling him that I would be here for him, waiting for him and do anything I can to help him? Cause if I leave him now I am going back on what I told him. Granted he has done it to me PLENTY of times, but that's not me! I always follow through, I dont make promises and not keep them unless something prevents me from possibly doing so.

I have prayed on it and the more I do the less I feel for him. I dont know if that's God's way of letting me know he's not the one or I am doing it to myself cause its easier on me. I know Im confused but all I know is that I do not want him living with me when he gets out, THAT I am not confused about. Its the fact if I am wasting my time!

I want to met a man that is into church, loves ME, loves my children, my children love him and I can depend on him and him on me! I am not going to run out and go looking cause I know whether I am with Alex or not I am not ready for a relationship. I have to work on me first. I have a lot of hurt and self-esteem 'issues' I need to work on. I have a lot of things I need to take care of first with my children. And maybe when the time is right and when the Lord knows Im ready, he'll come to me. Cause Im sure God knows how hard-headed I am and I will not go to 'him' hahaha

Im not ready

2008-01-17T11:12:00.001-08:00

I know how much Alex will hate this but you know what he has not proven ANYTHING to me and I just cant let myself open up my home to him when he gets out. Ive worked too hard for what I have without his or his families help! I was literally driving myself crazy thinking of him coming out and moving in with me and me going through the same thing I went through and having to go through the trouble/drama of kicking him out, if that were to happen.

So since his family is SOOO supportive of him, he will move in with them and get a job and prove to me that THIS family is what he really wants to take care of and provide for.

Im not ready for him or any other man right now. I know its sad but I can't see myself possibly going through everything I've been through with him or my ex-husband. Going through physical, mental and emotional abuse can tear any woman down! But we can turn that around and make us stronger and smarter so that when we are ready to move on and give our all, we'll be ready and know what we want!

What made me make this decision is my children, they have gone through heck and back with me and they deserve the best, they deserve to be settled down and they deserve this!

With that said, I did not go see Alex last weekend and possibly will go this weekend to let him know that he needs to make other arragements for when he gets out. I haven't written him for a while, I can't bring myself to write him anymore. I feel like I have been lying to myself since he went to jail thinking 'well being taken away from someone who had stood by his side, who accepted him for who he was and who tried to hard to make him see how a family should be would and may have actually changed him' But you know what, its his turn to show me and to prove to me "why should I be with you?"

Its early, I KNOW

2008-01-16T14:13:00.001-08:00

But everytime I go to the grocery store or the mall (dollar store) Valentine stuff is everywhere! I dread this day coming, I know its a made-up 'holiday' and all but its grown for some people to actually share it with someone they care about. Well for me Alex is locked up but we've never spent Valentines or heck any holiday for that matter together. The only Valentines that I had really someone was when I was married and I was ready to leave him. He bought me 2 dozen roses and took me to dinner, but also did the same for his mother so it didnt feel special to me, and that's when it hit me, I left him on the 16th.

I would love to share that day with someone. Granted I have plans for my children but Im talking about for me! I get my girls carnations and my son a teddy bear for Valentines but can a mother get some attention? haha I remember last Valentines Alex got me a dozen roses, $200 and some perfume but then left! What the heck?!?! I would have traded all that for his time!

So now Im trying to get some singles together and do something! Movie or dinner or even a blockbuster night, ANYTHING!! hahaha

Melania Sophia Brannon

2008-01-16T09:20:00.001-08:00

This is my niece! She was born at 2:29am today!!!! She so cute she looks just like my brother! She was 6lbs and 11oz.

When I see her picture, I get so happy and sad at the same time! My brother missed out on her birth, his first child but I believe he's changed and will not make the same mistakes as he has done and when he comes out he will the best father he can be to her! I fell in love with her and I havent even met her yet! Tia (me) has a new addition and is ready to spoil her and give her back! LOL

Saturday!!!!

2008-01-14T10:38:00.001-08:00

Ok I couldn't come up with a title but whatever this works! hahaha

So Saturday, Lisa and Amy came over before we headed out to the company party and Lisa decided to get her car "washed" before we went... WELL that's when I found out after touching Amy's tummy when she first walked in the door telling her "wow you look good" and she had a weird expression on her face like "ooook?" so I ignored it and kept getting ready! hahaha WEEEEEEEEEELL, while Lisa was paying for her car wash, I turned around and asked her "So who is watching your baby?" and she looked me and said "I have no kids, I have a puppy?" yea it turns out that I thought Amy was Tiffany and yea I was so freakin embarrassed!!!! ANYWAYS that was not the end of my embarrassment! hahaha

At the party we are having a great time WITHOUT the ATX's help... and I had about 3 drinks, 1 glass of wine which I KNOW kicks my butt every time! So M2 decides to take me on the dance floor to dance Salsa... BAD BAD BAD idea! hahaha I couldn't do a damn thing, so he finally gave me up for Staci! THAT BUTT! hahaha But whatever, we finally decide to head out. We went to nine7two, and finished the night dancing and had a great time. We had a great group and had a blast. Lisa was kickin it and dancing while sitting down.... a couple of times we would do the "Lisa" while we were sitting down tryna catch a break! Ya'll know what I'm talking about! LOL

THEN we headed back to my apartment and on the way we had a couple of "mishaps" that I will not post unless I get permission and so our night ended about 330 or 4!

I have great friends and had a blast on Saturday!!!!

Thanks to a friend

2008-01-12T13:16:00.001-08:00

I can finally update! LOL

Well, since my trial me and my kids have struggled and got through hard times but all that is paying off! With all the wonderful friends in my life my children had a wonderful Christmas. I havent had my kids the past 3 Christmas(s) due to all the court and custody changes we were going through and I was really feeling bad cause I couldnt get my kids really anything. But thankfully my friends and family pulled through for us and we had a Christmas tree, decorations including stockings donated to us and they had plenty of present! I also recieved gifts and I was blown away and so happy!

THANK YOU!!!!

The Lord has continued to bless me and my children in many ways that I would've never believed!! My children are happy, I am happy.

My brother release date is April 18th. Thank the Lord. His first child is due any day now and she is having contractions and ready to burst. He's sad but he understands that he did it to himself and his family. He is ready to get out, hold his first baby and be the man his new family needs!

Alex still hasnt gotten a answer on his parole yet. I have mixed feelings on him getting out. He really wants to be with me and the kids and says he's ready to be the man WE need him to be, put our needs first and attend every Sunday service with US. But Im scared for many reasons:

1) Ive been through this TALK with him before
2) I want to give him that chance but is it going to be worth it
3) if I dont give him this chance will I regret it?
4) if I do move on, who will want a working 50+ hrs a week mother of 3?
5) will I be alone forever and never find the man that will love me and respect my children?

I need and want feed back on this. With everything that I have been through, me doing everything on my own without a man, I have grown to be a independent, strong mother! So I know I can do this with out him and with me keeping my Lord first I will be alright but I just wonder what everyone else thinks ya know.

Do you believe taken away from your family and knowing what you had is there supporting you, would change a person?

2008-01-12T12:52:00.001-08:00

TEST

The LORD is AWESOME!

2007-05-28T08:45:00.001-07:00

My trial was final, DONE on Friday 05/25/07! I was granted CUSTODY of my children! I make all the major decisions for them, like where they attend school, I carry the insurance, where they live, etc. I love it! I was so stressed and tired from all this fighting from Fidel for the past 3 years and its finally done! Now its time for me to show him how co-parenting works and how easy it can be to communicate and have both parents involved and it doesn't matter who have custody of them or not! The weird thing was on the last day of trial he was called to the witness stand again and while he was talking about recent events he kept referring to me as "his wife"?? Is that strange?? This is my first divorce and was wondering if anyone know if this is normal? Well I finally picked up my children Sunday and we have to come up with a visitation schedule that would fit both the children and our needs by Wednesday at 4pm. It feels so good to finally be completely free! I prayed so hard and I had so many people keeping us in their prayers and thinking of us and I know the Lord did what's right for the children. I love Him! He is great! He never lets me down! I'm in LOVE!

BLESSINGS

2007-05-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

The Lord is good! The Lord is GREAT! I got a 2-bedroom, 1-bath and a laundry room last Saturday and have been enjoying every minute of it! My children saw it for the first time on Sunday and they were so excited and saying "Momma I love it, I love it! Its just us!" This is one of the blessings that was much needed and just in time (before I lost my mind!). Its 4-days till trial and my lawyer wants to meet up Monday at 4pm! Ummm ok, do you realize that i have to have my son in bed early for school and I have 2 other kids waiting on me and its the day BEFORE trial? But ok, want to keep everything fresh in my mind and me ready to go the next day.... So Im nervous but excited that this will finally be over and my children can be stable for a while. Ok have to get back to work...

ITS TIME...

2007-05-10T05:50:00.003-07:00

To start the count down! I have (including today) 12 days till my first day of our 4-day trial! Talk about nerve racking! I dont want them to post-pone but I do! You know, Im ready for this to be done but I am soo scared of the out-come! Its been a while since I have blogged but its so hard to type out my feelings or anything I am going through right now. Everything is so confusing, nothing seems to go right and I feel myself just becoming less and less me! I use to be so happy, outgoing, the 1st person they would call and so full of life! When I have my children I feel like me but when I am alone or when my baby is asleep or at night when I should be sleeping I just want to scream and cry! Ive been praying more often but I know its not enough! I need to get rid of my car but can't find anyone to take over the payments (734 a month goes to the darn thing!) because of my stupid mistake of buying that stupid car I can't afford really anything, groceries have come to close to nothing, I can't pay rent and I can't get anything that's needed anymore! So my next idea is to call my fiance company and get the pay-off amount and see if anyone can refinance the car and take it away from me probably on that Craigs List place... who knows MAYBE someone is dumb like me and get it!! I dont see any other way out of it! But that's enough of that for now.... ok back to my trial, I still owe my lawyer lots of money and I am so scared of what the jurors are going to do with the rest of my childrens lives! You know, Fidel has decided that a Jury should figure out what to do with our children, a group of strangers are going to decide C S, visitaion schedule, etc.... STRANGERS that know nothing of my children, the way they look, their smiles, their I Love Yous, how beautiful they look when they say their prayers, NOTHING but they are going to decide everything for them? Does that make sense but whatever its done I am not giving up!

Ok.... here it goes

2007-03-08T14:19:00.000-08:00

Well I can't give too many details on what's going on but we are now having to do an investagation on both mine and Fidel's house to find out what's going on with our children. Something is suppose to happen within the next week or so... but I know NOTHING happend at my house and I don't talk down about Fidel or his family around them AT ALL! This has gone to far and I agree with the whole "investigation" because if it is someone in my house-hold I WANT TO KNOW but if not (which I feel 100% about) then maybe he'll and/or his family will start acting right! I love my children so much and I just pray that everything works out for the best.

On a MUCH happier note, my and Alayna went to the MAVS game and had a blast!!!!!!!! I miss my Stace, Lisa and I miss hanging out with all my friends!!! Just with me working 6 days a week and still having no time/money to do anything they still treat me like Im still a part of them and it makes me so good! I LOVE YA'LL!! Alayna was sooo excited that after the game she couldn't fall asleep till about 1 AM! But she slept really good though! hahahaha

2007-03-01T07:39:00.000-08:00

WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH? HOW CAN YOU CHANGE SOMEONE FOR BETTER? WHY CAN'T PEOPLE SEE PAST THEMSELVES? WHY DON'T THEY SEE THAT YOU ARE HURTING THE ONES YOU "LOVE" JUST TO PROVE NOTHING?

I'VE HAD ENOUGH! MY CHILDREN HAVE HAD ENOUGH!

YESTERDAY'S POST....

2007-02-17T14:20:00.000-08:00

I stuck my foot in my mouth! I hate it when I start to get happy for myself, things just start to fall apart!

Im so HAPPY and its ALL about ME (right now)

2007-02-16T13:39:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows how hard everything has been on me and my children for at least 2 yrs. And I just knew the Lord was going to change things around for me this year. You know when you know something great is going to happen and you just can't shake the feeling well I had that feeling since the beginning of the year. I knew it was going to be about US this year! Well, even though I went from a home with our own rooms to none; to having at least some money to buy my kids some McDonald on the weekends I pick them up to not being able to afford the dollar menu anymore. BUT, I have tried so hard not to let anything get me down and I am somewhat succeeding. I've made it further than I would have ever imagined! I surprised myself! hahaha Well first off, I was able to get a girls night with Lisa a couple of weeks ago that I haven't been able to do for a long time and it was so relaxing. Second, I have more support at the home I am living at now than I did when I was living with my grandmother. Third, Alex has made some serious changes (still needs A LOT) and has really helped me and the kids. Fourth, I have come closer to God than I ever thought I would. Fifth, I got so much from Alex for Valentines, reason why I was so surprised is because I never really thought that he really thought of me you know. Sixth, now I am really excited about this, Lisa has invited me to the MAVS game on March 3rd and OH MY GOD, I have ALWAYS wanted to go to a game.

This is what I am trying to get at... For so long, I have busted my butt, put up with so much, only took care of my kids, and still struggling to keep going that I have never had time for ME. And this year has been turning for me and it feels so amazing you know. The reason my kids benefit from this is because sometimes a mother can take on so much and never feel appreciated and when something happens without you knowing or asking for YOU it takes so much stress off of you and you see how people really think of you. So momma is getting taking care of a little which makes momma a little more enjoyable for her kids. Do you get it?? I DO!

Thank you Lord for showing me the great things that can come out of any and all struggles that I may face and the wonderful friends and family you have placed with me to help keep me going.

POSTPONED AGAIN!

2007-02-09T14:04:00.001-08:00

Ok I am soooo mentally, physcally AND emotionally tired! Lets just say I was in the clinic with my daughter till about 8:30 SINCE baby daddy didn't take her (he was too busy) and I had to get her prescriptions and didn't get to bed till 10:30 and of course she is fussy all night because she has ear infection in both ears and her throat is sore because of the congestion so not a good night. Then people here at my job want to "attack" me when I tell them to WORK! THEN my lawyer calls me, the trial has been POSTPONED and hopefully we'll get a trial date in March! Ummm how about NOW! I am ready I am tired I need this done!

Im freakin' out!!!!

2007-02-05T08:39:00.000-08:00

Ok I have about a week left till Trial next Wednesday, Happy Valentines Day to me! I am so scared, I know Im a great, loving and caring mother but its the fact NOT KNOWING what is going to happen! I need so much from everyone right now! Prayers, Prayers and Prayers! I have court tomorrow and Wednesday, one is a pre-trial hearing and the other is for this fee I forgot to pay to Fidel's lawyer since we were not able to work anything out at Mediation so I have to pay for his lawyers time being there! They are so good about draining money out of me that they failed to realize that they are taking away from my kids! But God has been providing and my kids have what they need. This is a short post, I have so much running through my head that I can't really think straight!

Oh yea and Saturday I went to Lisa's and MAN it was so good to have some me time! Even though we spent TWO HOURS at Walmart for a oil change! hahaha But I had my cholocate milk (originally a fudge sundae) and she had hers with some fries! Yea she's weird but Gotta Love Her! hahaha

Gettin' better

2007-01-31T11:22:00.000-08:00

Ok as everyone should know, I AM BLOG ILLITERATE!! LOL Luckily I have my own personal Blog Expert AKA Lisa who'll fix it for me! Well I've been through a lot, finally getting a little comfortable at the new home. Alex mother and family are great and have tried to make this as easy as possible for me and the children. Its like when I get home I have a meal ready for me to eat and I wash the dishes and clean up, you know. Its so much more relaxing AND I have more time with the kiddos! I love it, just not the fact we don't have our own room or our own beds like before but HEY no complaints here!

I am ready for Saturday, gonna go to My Hideout from Drama and hopefully I will have a babysitter so I can really have ME time with my best friend! But if not, my baby is not unwelcome so either way I'm excited!!! I have tonsillitis and can't talk or really eat/drink anything. This is so painful! TRUST ME, once I get better JACK N THE BOX BETTER BE PREPARED!!! hahaah I am so hungry, even eating soup or drink water hurts like crazy!

My son is ok in school, he needs a little help with numbers, well really just counting by 5's or by 10's you know... but he'll get it. I have slacked off because I have been moving, and getting sick and I'm seeing a change in his attitude in wanting to do homework. But I worked with him more this week and I have seen a improvement in his counts, etc. Serina, OMGOODNESS, she is like so spoiled and looooves to test your patience... its like she says to herself "Hmmmm, I wonder if momma will get mad if I do this...." OR "Well she didn't saying no to this...." Love that little woman to death but good gosh. My baby, is getting so big, she stands a little on her own and tries to walk so I think I'm gonna have a walker soon!!! WooHoo!! I will/Lisa will put some updated pictures of my kids next time. They are getting so big! I don't want them to grow up, they are suppose to stay small and cute! That's all!! Oh well I can't stop it, I'm just looking forward for the next surprise my kids come up with!

Drama!

2007-01-17T10:23:00.000-08:00

I have had soo much going on in my life but I feel God is giving me a wake up call and get my life straight! I was in the hospital 1/4 and got out 1/7. Went home and Tuesday night my grandmother tries to fight me and of course I am not going to hit my grandmother so I pushed her off of me and went to my room and she is banging on my door trying to fight me and I tell her to stop especially since my son is there. Now remember I JUST got out of surgery! Soooo I packed up what I could and got me and my son out of there and I find out my cell is disconnected! So I have a new number now, I am living at Alex's mothers house AND my grandmother is expecting rent and cell phone money. Ummm no, I now need that money for a place to stay. But I hate being a "B" but she threw me and my children out with no where to go! Now I have told my lawyer that my grandmother sold her house and I had to be out by the weekend. I don't need the courts knowing anything else! I mean come on! My grandmother is upset because she THINKS I told her over the phone when I was in the hospital "I don't want ya'll here I feel more comfortable with Alex's family here" . Now I never told her that OR even thought that AT ALL! And she is the type of person that doesn't want to admit they are wrong so when I was telling her that I know I didn't say that and I promised her she just got more upset and started pushing me and then hitting me. Now my son is so terrified of her that when I picked him up for my weekend the first thing he told me was "We are not going to grandma's house, right?" That tore me up inside. She could have waited to start all her drama when my son wasn't there! My son did not need to be exposed to that AT ALL! None of my children did anything to her but yet she kicked us out! If I thought I didn't anything wrong I would admit it and move on but I was innocent in this the whole time! Now my back, neck, actually whole body hurts from the "fight" and moving all my stuff out and I have a migraine and thank God I have a Dr's appt tomorrow to find out if Im ok and if the pain is normal after surgery. Im mentally and physcially tired and this was the last thing me and my kids needed. Alex's mom was the one out of the 2 people who offered me a place to stay and my sister did too. My mom, well, she basically said call me and update me on where you are going to live, now she and her loooooong time boyfriend have a 3 bedroom house and its just them 2?? Anyways, loong story short me and the children have a place to stay and we are hopefully going to be ok.

Ooops!

2006-12-28T11:43:00.000-08:00

Ok Sunday night I went to pick up my children from Fidel, and he brought out my son first and I rushed to hurry him into the car (it was raining). I waited for him OUTSIDE to bring my little girl out.... and I waited.... and I waited.... Ok I get in the car to get out of the rain AND what do you know here he comes walking out the door with Serina. I get BACK out and get her and as I am trying to get her with my right hand, I noticed she has a HUGE CUPCAKE in her hand. *remind you-its in writing, no food/drinks/or any items are to be with the child when we are exchanging them, all snacks, foods, ect need to be finished before pick up. With that said, I grabbed the cupcake out of her hand and said "here, take it, she is not suppose to take anything with her" And I am holding it out while I am still trying to get Serina with me and he s-l-o-w-l-y pulls his hand out and I kinda put it in his hand a little rough. Now I promise I didn't mean to do it but the cupcake ended up rolling over on his hand and falling down on his shirt to the floor! OMGoosh!!! I mouth just dropped!! He said "that's f*ed up, that's real f*ed up" me "I swear I didn't mean to" and he just walked off.... My point is, if she didn't have it in the first place NONE of it would have happened. Right?

Christmas was awesome!! It was 100% better than I expected! My very close friends Lisa and LaJuana spoiled my children with toys, bed sheets and a VERY pretty nightie and I ended up with a surprise, a big gift set of Sweet Pea scented EVERYTHING! It was great!! My room is half full of toys that I haven't let my children open yet, only because I am going to have to go through all their old toys and get rid of those before I stuff their room with the new stuff!! My children loved it, it felt so good that my children got just about everything they wanted.

Im tired and wanna go to sleep so I end this for now.. and see if I can take a nap here at work. *crossing fingers*

Its like we've known each other FOREVER!

2006-12-21T05:50:00.000-08:00

Last Friday I came home to my grandmother asking me "You will never guess who called me, never in a million years!" So me, being as smart as I am, it only took two guesses! "Great grandma" her -"NO" me- "ummm, Anna" her- "Anna who, which Anna" I never knew we knew so many Anna's! Me- "My uncles baby's mamma" Well, my uncles has so many children floating around out there. A couple of months ago, Joseph, contact my grandmother and since we have only met him once, he's hard to get a hold of. Well since last Friday me and my cousins have been talking everyday! Its like we've known each other this whole time! She has my personality! Oh YEA! Get this, I picked her up that Saturday after work and we went to the store to get some drinks for my nieces B-day party and I was looking at the plastic forks and stuff (looking for the cheapest ones with my broke butt) and I asked her to grab the paper cups. LOL remind you she is 9+ months pregnant, she grab the cups from the bottom and the cups that were stacked ON TOP OF IT came tumbling down! She threw the cups at me and ran behind me saying "I didn't do it!" hahaha Man we had so much fun!! She has a real smart mouth (in a funny way)!! I hate the fact that they were not around before, we missed out on so much fun, I know it! Well, her name is Victoria, she has a 11 month old boy Erik and she has another boy on the way. My other cousin looks just like my uncle and his name is Ignacio, yea I don't know how to spell it but I call him NACHO, Nacho con queso, Nacho bean. He hates it but I love it! hahaha

Now Fidel has been acting nice to me. I still have my guard up though. I am not going to act the way he has been just because I THINK/FEEL that things may be going "my" way. Lord knows once I do that He'll knock me right back down! LOL I am not that type of person anyways but just seeing that that's what happened to Fidel, it can happen to me too! You know! I take advantage of it, especially for my children's sake!

Alex, it never ends! We were talking for a bit, you know, trying to see if its something that we can work out. But I guess I have gotten use to me doing what I need to do without him. You know. So everything he tries to do, say or make me believe I let it go in one ear and out the other. So we are back on the baby momma/baby daddy relationship. I just don't have time for anyone else in my life. Its me and my children, THAT'S IT!
My family, especially my mom, think I need to do things for them on top of what I already have going for me. Ummmm NO! I don't have any money/time/energy for them! They aren't helping me (money, baby sitting, even their time) but they want me to bend over backwards. NOPE not gonna do it! I love them to death and I am not talking trash about them. Its just the honest truth, I can't! They are mad because I didn't take part in the Secret Santa, I told them I had no extra money so they are making faces and I can imagine talking behind my back. But OH WELL! I was BARELY able to get my children anything, let alone someone else! I spent MAX $22 on their presents!

What is he planning now?!

2006-12-12T08:04:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was good but it really has me thinking today. Alex and I went to the meeting with the $150/hr guy and as soon as we got there he said "We are going to give Fidel a couple of minutes to see if he'll show", about 5 mins after he said that he was on the phone calling him. This is what I heard "Mr Valdez, do you plan on attending the meeting today?" ....... "So you don't want to comply with court orders?" ..... loooooong pause.... "Ok Mr Valdez, I will report to the courts and lawyers that you do not want to participate with this program and will not follow court orders" and he hung up on him. WOW! That just blew my mind! He walks in the lobby where me and Alex are waiting and says "Ya'll can go home, I will file a non-compliance against Fidel and report that to the courts and your lawyers. He no longer wants to participate with the program." LOL and the first thing out of Alex's mouth was "Are we getting a refund?" I wanted to smack him in back of the head LOL. It was a good question but come on! As soon as we left his office we were on the phone calling our lawyers! As you may know, this is a very good thing for my case! But it has me kinda worried now. Why would he pull a stupid move like that?? What does he have up his sleeve?? Is he planning on leaving with my children like he has threatened before?? I just don't understand why he would do this if he didn't have a back up. He's played it smart this whole time, why mess it up now?? I think he has run out of ideas and now is going to do something. Please pray that he doesn't take off with my children.

Also, you know what's sad. I was talking to my son yesterday when I was washing dishes and he was telling me "Momma are we going to church tomorrow?" and I said "No honey, we are going Sunday" my son- "awwwh, I want to go to church" me- "ask daddy and see if he'll take you Wednesday sweetie" my son-"I already did" me-"oh and what did he say" my son-"he said no church and we're not going" That broke my heart. My children love going to church!

Ok well right now Im so busy at work. I will have to update more later.

NIIIIIICE! haha

2006-12-08T06:04:00.000-08:00

Its not everyday you look at someone's blog and see a picture inside a kids mouth! LOL But there is a story to this. On Sunday the 3rd, my son, for some odd reason, had his plastic hanger in his mouth. Now the reason he had access to the hangers is because I have taught my children to hang their clothes on a hanger, then mommy will put them away. I know I know I have great kids and they actually enjoy it!! AND SO DO I! hahaha Well he had the hook part in his mouth and my bully of a daughter pulled it and practically yanked his tooth out! It was fine for the night. I gave him some ice in a plastic bag to put in his mouth and I gave him some Tylenol and but some baby orajel on it. He was still able to eat pizza so I was like HEY he can make it till the morning. I called my ex and he "didn't have the patience" to talk to me then and he would call me back. An hour later he calls me and I explained to him what happened and how I noticed a tooth growing in the back (which to me was weird, I thought his teeth may be growing crooked) and that he need to go to a dentist. He yells "Why don't you take him?!" Me-"Because I can't miss work, I have a job to keep and you are available and I don't have any money for the dentist" Him "Just take him, I have the money, I'll give it to you" Me-"And my job?" Him-"Fine whatever just set an appointment and I'll take him" Now was that so hard, I mean come on I am paying all the medical, life and dentist by myself the least he could do is take him and pay for it. Right?! Well he takes him on Monday and the dentist pulled his tooth out and explained that the tooth growing in the back will move forward. YES! So when I was taking this picture he was laughing so hard I had to take it about 10 times before I got a clear shot! LOL

Well after the dentist my ex calls me and says "I'm about to drop Fidel off to your grandmother" Me-"let me see if she is home, Alex has the girls" CLICK I was about to call him back but I knew why he was mad... so I called my grandmother and she was down the street from the house so I called Fidel "WHAT" me-"my grandmother is home go ahead and drop him off" Him-"No I already going home, that's why Serina should have been with your grandmother instead of making me wait!" CLICK Ok Serina is with her father, where is the wrong in that?? Now you have to pass my house to get to his house from the dentist office and he JUST left and was no where close to passing my house yet. Fine! I didn't mind anyways because Mon-Tues I have to drive by his house to pick up my son so it wasn't like I was going out of my way anyways AND he save me a 5 min drive by picking him up from his house AND he saved me $10 from the daycare pickup I have going for my son. HECK NO I don't mind driving there! :) But of course I am not going to let him know that though.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2006-12-04T13:15:00.000-08:00

I have my children for Christmas!! They rescheduled my trial for Feb 14th SOOOO that means I have my children for Christmas! I am so excited!!

I need to stop/start

2006-12-01T06:27:00.000-08:00

I need to stop giving ya'll half the story and start updating more often! haha Its just a long hectic journey I am traveling and I see it coming to an end, the only thing I can't shake is the feeling of "uncertainty" I have of not knowing what's going to happen. Will this be a journey I can look back and I wish I did things different and I would have my children? Will God forgive me and give me what I need and tell me, you have learned your lesson? Will I have to deal with the fact that ALL the choices I made will haunt me everyday I don't see my children? Or is this something I really have learned from and will always appreciate that lesson? What will happen?

I have been having really strange dreams lately and I can't figure them out. Its like while I am in the dream I am remember what each detail is representing but when I wake up I cant remember anything. Its always dark in my dreams now and usually that a strong sign of stress/depression/anxiety/sadness/ect.

Well today we were suppose to have our group meeting with the $150/hr guy but my ex cancelled on the 29th. Last minute of course. I honestly don't see a reason why he would need to cancel BUT I bet he will be at court today! If he can make it to court he should have made it to our appointment. The only reason I can come up with is that the $150/hr guy is suppose to report after our meeting today to the court and of course my ex doesn't want to "corporate" with me and Alex and he doesn't want that report to the court, at least today. SO he is post-poning it. I may just be thinking too hard but I think that's what he's doing. He has nothing on me really now. My ex-roommate called me last week and she is going to testify for me, my ex offered her money to lie against me AND she knows I gave my ex money for my children AND she took me on AT LEAST 3 occasions to try to get my children AND how I would do things for and with my children. Do you think that will help? YES I know so! And I think my ex found out that she will be there, so he is panicking. I think. Now don't get my wrong, I am not getting "big-headed" and pointing my finger going "I gotcha". I am just thinking/assuming that's what's happening. I am not in this to "win" I am in this to prove that I am a fit, great loving mother to my children and everything he is claiming is wrong. I am not going to let him "win" by lying. I am here for my children not to beat him!

Happy Be-lated Thanksgiving!

2006-11-24T05:38:00.000-08:00

I know many of ya'll have been praying for me and I feel it everyday! Thank you so much! I ask for you to please continue to pray for me and my family! Thanksgiving without my children this year was hard, everyone had their children, enjoying on others company BUT my baby Alayna kept me busy though! I love that baby! Seeing her smiling face made me appreciate what I do have NOW! I don't have much but I do have TONS of things to be thankful for. Its like she knew she had a job to do, which was to keep me smiling and laughing, WHICH by the way she did a great job at! :D

I have a meeting with that $150/hr guy today. Its so funny, I don't call him by name but I ALWAYS call him the $150/hr guy! Hahaha well he is! Just in case you wanna know, his name is Mr. Craig. I'm hoping he hears me out and listens and understands what's happening. If my ex gets my children I will not be a part of their lives like a mother should! I mean come on think about it! Who do you remember most from your childhood?? You mother? or your father?? Even though my mother was not a big part of my life but I still love her and remember the little things we would do. I grew up close to my dad but when I think of the past for some odd reason I remember the times with my mother.

I love my children with all my heart! They are everything to me! I don't want to raise Alayna 1/3 of the time without her brother and sister! They are a very important part of her life too! You know I can go on and on about my children but its not ya'll I should be proving this too, its the courts! Ya'll know and have seen how much I love my children and its sad that I have to prove it to some strangers that know nothing about my relationship with them! But I will, not for me but for my children!

Too much....

2006-11-20T09:01:00.000-08:00

Now there is so much going on, I don't know where to start or end on this.

One of my lawyers explained to me what exactly happened on Wednesday. I lost the chance to fight for full custody AND my testimony of Family Violence has been denied! Sooo basically I have no case at all. If joint custody is possible then I can share visitation 50-50 (the current schedule I have now). BUUUUT if they don't grant us joint custody then I basically have every other weekend with my children. All because I didn't pay that guy the $375 that he wanted.

My grandmother let me borrow the money and I paid him off Thursday early afternoon. So me and my lawyer are hoping she can appeal the judgment and the judge give me another chance to fight for my children. So I am in limbo here with my feelings and won't know anything till probably Dec 1st.

I lost! How?!?! WHY?

2006-11-16T05:54:00.000-08:00

You know, I am not angry at God, there's no way I could be! My grandmother told me as I walked through the door after work yesterday "Fidel picked up Serina and said 'come on we are going to celebrate' and I thought that was strange". So instantly, I called my lawyer (because they conveniently didn't call me) and my lawyer basically went off on me! Why haven't you paid?!? You haven't even paid us? Why do you want custody of the kids?

I am seriously on the verge of cursing people out! Why would Fidel celebrate?!?! He is in this for ALL the wrong reasons!!!!! He is celebrating because he BEAT me! How can you lie, deceive and cheat and celebrate because you won?

I need to stop right now, I'm at work and the more I write about it the angrier I get.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray for our situation! Because its not only mine but my children's too!

Can I breathe?! Can I ?!

2006-11-14T14:38:00.000-08:00

I vent to some people about things going on in my life. But it doesn't help, its just good knowing I have people who will stop the world to listen to me! I love you! But it does me no good when I can't vent to the people who puts most of this stress on me!! Fidel, Alex and my grandmother. I got a call from my lawyers office today asking if I had paid that money that I owed that co-parenting guy ($375) "No I haven't" ~ "When are you going to pay it?" ~ "I have to see how my check is going to look Friday" ~ "You know we have court tomorrow and this is seriously hurting your case" ~ "I know I am doing the best I can" ~ "Ok if Gracie has any questions she'll call you" END CALL. Hold on, maybe I'm not reaching far enough up my.... OK Ok ok... I've calmed down a bit, held back much needed tears! Its not my lawyers fault but this guy keeps writing bad reports to the court about me saying "I am not complying with the courts orders..." Ummmmm I would comply IF I HAD THE MONEY!!!!!!!
Can the world just stop for a while, while I rob a bank or something?? Come ON, no one will know!! I know I'm not brave enough EVEN if I had the perfect plan! But it sure sounds nice! I have had my head up and made it this long, but I just can't take anymore!! My son needed shoes so I bought him shoes . Its like every time I get my children what they need SOMETHING SOMETHING always makes me feel guilty for doing it!!! My ex isn't paying any co-pays, he waits for them to come to my house and I take them spending AT LEAST $50!! I don't have money! But he brags all day long that "I've got money, I'm not hurting for anything" Duhhh you a** the kids are!!!
Ok, I need to get off this blog, I am about to let out a side of me NO ONE has seen! I hate being this way, I need to breathe! A DAY JUST FOR ME! I'm always working OT, taking care of the kids, cleaning, cooking, washing, ect!! WHAT ABOUT ME!
*crying*
Today is not a good day!

Im baaaaaaack!

2006-10-26T05:34:00.000-07:00

I know its been a while, I have been soooo slammed with work!! We had this young lady leave our company and she did the work of 3 people! So I have to practically stop my job and help the department out. I don't mind at all BUT the only thing that kinda bothers me is that fact that most don't do anything and I have to help out! One girl calls the other department or they call her and they talk for 30 mins at a time! 2 others are really really really slow! The other just gossips about the other reps who haven't made it in yet! 1 just started about 2 months ago, he's trying as hard as he can but just isn't quite there. So basically we are a "team" of 8 people and 3 of us are getting everything done. Now I have brought up everything to my supervisors attention but basically they tell me "well do something about it". Now remember I am not supervisor, I am Quality Control Rep AKA the QC person/Rep2. I have tried to talk to them but me with no back up from my supervisor or manager AND I don't have the actual title to "tell them what to do" What can I do? I pray about it and keep positive. It just hits me in the mornings when I walk to my desk and I see my pile of papers keeps getting bigger and when I open my program where I see almost a weeks worth of stuff I need to QC there, it kinds buggs me. Oh well, this is a job not my career!

Now I think my case (divorce) is starting looking up for me! I haven't paid anyone anything yet but we found out some things about my ex and my lawyers are working on it. Lets just say, don't lie to the courts, social workers OR to my lawyers about anything, it will come out in the open! Thank God! I can't say much about it but God has a way of "Turning the light on" just when you think you can't find the switch! *Dana-God will turn the light on, keep you faith and spirits up ;)

Oh gosh! I missed church last Wednesday because we were suppose to have a thunderstorm and I couldn't drive 30 mins away to church with my baby, I couldn't risk her getting sick, well it didn't rain after all! I was soooo disappointed. THEN I missed church Sunday because all my children and me caught a cold. Fidel, Serina and me didn't get it too bad but I gave them medicine right at the right time and they are doing fine now. Now I missed church yesterday again because my baby is still sick and its been raining off and on. She is starting to do better, her little nose isn't running too bad anymore but she still has a bad cough and still sneezes. Please pray that she gets better. Luckily she isn't running fever yet and still has a HUGE appetite! hahaha

That's my update for now!

Post-poned....

2006-10-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

Lets just say, Trial has been post-poned till Dec 12th. Now I am not happy with it but I am! I'm not ready but I'm ready to get this over with. You know. But my lawyer said that's a good thing sooo, I'm just going to take her word for it. Now I did pray last night for the Lord to intervene in this so He did!

I need prayers and support right now. The Lord is keeping me going but I am just so down and I swear I have cried about 4 times this morning and I feel it coming on again. I owe so many people and they are using that against me in court over and over again. My lawyer is wonderful and I am so happy she is willing to work with me.

For now....

This is hopeless....

2006-10-13T05:55:00.000-07:00

Ok mediation was yesterday from 1:30 - 5, yes longest mediation in history I believe. Well the nice lady introduce herself and made us feel comfortable (as much as she could) I swear I know she could feel the tension in the room, I think she wanted to pull out the knife and just start slicing! No not us, the TENSION! haha Ok... Well think about it, its me/my lawyer, Alex/his lawyer, and my ex/his lawyer and then this nice sweet lady. I felt bad for her, she was shaking when she finally came to us and said "this is hopeless", her little hands were shaking, she couldn't sit still and at times she almost stuttered. Now this was not from me or Alex! And how do I know that, well let me explain....

We are sitting in this HUGE square table with 7 chairs around it, she was at the head of the table then to her right (going around the table) is my lawyer, me, Fidel's lawyer, Fidel, Alex's lawyer, Alex. She starts with me! Yea scared to death to even speak! I said "I am willing to continue with the 50-50 custody but I will NOT lose anymore of my time with my children, if we cannot negotiate 50-50 then I will have to go for full custody", she goes "ok and you (pointing to Alex)", "well, me and Crystal have not had any problems with our current joint custody and if I have to I will have her as the Sole provider and I get my visitations but I don't see it ever getting to that point where me and Crystal will have problems, we talk about everything and when we don't agree, we always seem to have a middle ground somewhere", She goes "Great and now you (pointing to my ex)"....

Now I want to you picture my ex, THE WHOLE TIME he is sitting with his arms crossed, eyebrows raised and he is slumped in his chair almost as if he were at home legs stretched out in front of the TV. Now then lets continue....

"well I am going to tell it like this, this is going to be a waste of our time. I want full custody and I will allow them to have extended visitation, if that is not going to be agreed on then we might as well leave and wait till Trial on Monday" now that's when I noticed the nice lady had this expression on her face like, this is not going to be easy. So when the nice lady asked my lawyer what she thought, my lawyer said that is not something we will agree to AT ALL! Then his lawyer goes off on my lawyer and she fires right back! Now remember I am sitting between them, I was slowly going to slide under the table for cover but I "sat" my ground! haha. Then the nice lady stood up and said "Now stop, you and you (Fidel and his lawyer) go to the room across the hall, I see obviously we are not going to corporate." and Alex's lawyer says "Hey I didn't have a chance to say anything!" and we all busted out laughing, the only 2 that weren't laughing was, of course, my ex and his lawyer. Well they finally left the room so its just the 4 of us and his lawyer sits where my ex was sitting and mocks him *crossing arms* "Its my way or nothing" and of course we are laughing. Well this is the 1st time Alex's lawyer has ever seen and met Fidel and of course he didn't like his attitude. Go Figure. About 20 minutes later, she comes back in and says basically that he isn't going to budge and that he is at least offering me something. WHAT?!?! Ok I kept my cool... then she said "Ok what if he removed you paying support, would you agree?" Now, I felt myself getting angry and wanting to yell "What kind of question is that!?" BUT I took a deep breathe and looked at her with the most serious look to let her know that what I was about to say is what I meant! Nothing with her but so that she knows. "I have paid support in the past and that is not what I care about, I fought hard to get my 50-50 visitations with my children and I am not going to give that time back. The point is if Fidel gets custody of the children, I will not have a part of their lives or a 'say-so' in anything they will participate in. The only part of their lives I will have if they reside with him is the weekends I get them and that's it! I will not do that! I won't do that! I am their mother and I love them with everything I have and more! I am willing to agree with 50-50 but I will absolutely not give up any of my time with them!" She looked at me, and its like she knew what I was saying was true, I want to be with my children, I want my children to be with ME! But if it will make this whole process easier for the children then yes I will stick with this 50-50 FOR MY CHILDRENS SAKE! So she goes back to them.... about an hour later she comes back and says "this is hopeless, I'm sorry there was nothing that could be settled but I wish the best" she smiled, shook our hands and left.

Ok, now as you can imagine what kind of day I had yesterday and I will not let it ruin my today! Right? Wrong! I am freakin' out! I have a 3-day trial that begins on MONDAY! Monday that's less that 3 days away!!! Oh, wait its better, its a JURY TRIAL! 13 strangers are about to know EVERYTHING about me and choose the future of my children's lives for the next 13+ years! Our children that they know nothing about! They don't even know how they look, how they smile, how funny they are, how they will just run to you and hug you and say how much they love you, how they say their prayers kneeling at their bed side and at then end of their prayer they say "I love you God", how everything just seems right when they see you cry and they just know to hug you and say " I love you, its ok". It has happened about 2 or 3 times when I cried in front of my children but its not purposely, its usually when I lay in bed and they are suppose to be asleep and they walk into my room and hear my little sniffs. I hate crying in front of them! I have not prayed as I should have been, I let life run me low. I am so emotionally and physically drained. I will get back on track!

Lord, you know my heart, you know how much I love my children. Please, I pray this prayer through Jesus Christ. Whatever the out-come, what-ever the courts decide, let it be your will Lord. I pray that you fill the court room, my lawyer, the judge, Alex's lawyer and the jury with you spirit. I pray that you continue to give me strength, courage, understanding and to continually fill me with your spirit Lord. Amen

On and Off...

2006-10-05T05:18:00.000-07:00

Well I caught up on my sleep that night, which was very much needed (which I'm sure you could tell from my last post haha). I went back and reread it right now LOL, I couldn't even understand what I was trying to say! SORRY ABOUT THAT!! Well my baby and Serina were sick. Serina had been up all night with headaches and of course only momma can make her feel better, so there I was up all night taking care of her and luckily my baby slept all that night. So in the morning about 7:30 I just dropped off my son to school and Serina was fine so I thought maybe it was just headache and she's fine now. Well I asked her over and over again if she was ok and she said yes and she played fine so I left it alone. We left the clinic after getting my baby her shots and there goes Serina as soon as we got home, she was having bad headaches again. So I was in the middle of feeding my baby some yummy carrots, I kinda rush that, got ready again and headed right back to the clinic. She had a sinus infection which she was so stuffed up it was making her head hurt. She's fine now :D Well after Fidel picked her up, I was going to lay down with my baby to take a much needed nap, but she started crying and running a little bit of fever. I really thought I was going to go crazy! So I gave her some Tylenol, she wouldn't eat and she didn't sleep all that night either. Which brings you to the post that didn't make sense! hahaha Hope that was clear enough for you! :)

Well, had a meeting with my lawyer, everything seems to be going ok with my divorce. We have my evidence together, my ex gave his disposition and we went over that. I had to clear up a lot of things my ex was claming. So crossing my fingers that everything goes smooth. Well I have to admit something, have you ever been so scared of someone that if things worked out for you that that person that was fighting to keep you down comes after you? I am! Everyone and sometimes even my lawyers doesn't seem to believe me or that I am exaggerating but I honestly feel that way. I hope I am just being paranoid but who knows my ex better than someone who spent 5+ years living, loving, leaving and being hurt by him?? I'm afraid that if he doesn't "hurt" me that he will leave to Mexico with my kids and I won't find them! :( I know most of you haven't gone through what I have or can understand where I'm coming from but I have less than 2 weeks till trial and.... Well I'll leave it at that.

My children are doing great! Still need to get some sleep, my daughter is on and off. She either sleeps through the night or she doesn't and last night was she was on! hahaha Doesn't she come with a switch or a remote?? I swear I need to find it! LOL Serina, is getting bigger and is starting to become a bully? How can I stop that before it gets out of hand?? Fidel is doing a great job in school! He had "S" - Satisfactory on everything!!!!!!!!! *sniff sniff* I'm so proud of him!

Yes, its been a while...

2006-09-29T05:53:00.000-07:00

Ok this is not much of an update.... But Serina has a sinus infection MY BAAAABY IS SICK!!! She had me up all night Tuesday night, Wednesday morning she was fine so I took my baby to get her shots and when we got home Serina started again, soooooo out again back to the doctors office. Well Fidel picked her up at 3:15 THEN my baby started! Arrrg.... Did get any sleep the last 3 nights, my baby was up all last night and when my alarm went off, I SWEAR I thought someone was calling me and I was thinking to myself "Who is calling me this late??" WEEEELLLLL , it was my alarm! All I could say was "Oh my GOD!" Soo yes, I am dragging today, I am litterally sleep walking right now... and I am not going to proof-ready my post... So forgive me...

2006-09-21T11:09:00.000-07:00

MY BABY GOT HER FIRST TOOTH TODAY!!!

*sniff sniff* She's getting too big!

Its been a week...

2006-09-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

And again when it was my time to pick up my children, my son was happy to leave with his mommy! Thank God! Lord, knows how hard it has been on me. Since I have been making more time with my children during the week (rather than rushing to get things done) I feel more relaxed, my children enjoy playing with me more and I get done STILL around the same time I always have been. Funny how that works out?

Well, it still isn't really sinking into Alex's head that I am not with him and he can't control me anymore. He really flipped out last Wednesday when I picked up my little girl and he was trying to "talk" to me and I just brushed him off and kept walking away. Its hard to be strong and stand up for what you believe in, especially alone. You know. I know I have friends but when I am alone and face someone I had once given my heart to and trusted with it and actually say "No, I am not going to take it anymore" and follow through, its hard. He calls me pretending he doesn't know what's going on. For instance, this morning, he calls me at 7:30 and says he is going to spend the day with the girls *that blew my mind* then he asked me "Can I take you out on a date?" of course, I tell him no and I have too much to do. I just dont' know how to be cold-hearted and mean so I let him down softly. Its like he wants me to forget that I left him and to see he is changing AGAIN and just let things be. But I am not this time, its been a good month or so and he still acting as if though things are good between us. What to do, what to do?

Oh my goodness! Now I didn't not know that prizes were going to be given every week, PROMISE! My church is doing a campaign on how many visitors we bring in and I brought the second most visitors last week and got a certificate to Walmart. Lets just say I bought my children what they needed plus some! haha I was so happy you should have seen me, I was tearing up the childrens sections and bought my baby a toy that hooks up to the carriage!! She loves it!! My children love the stuff I got them!!! My son got Batman and Cars underwear and a jacket, then my girl got some socks and some cute T's pink, white and yellow ones!! They were opening them like it was Christmas!! That felt so good!

So all in all, Im great!!!
God Bless!!

I know I know

2006-09-11T05:39:00.000-07:00

Its time for an UPDATE!

haha Sorry been really busy with life. Well I have been praying and praying about my son and GUESS WHAT... This time (Friday) when I picked up my children my son ran to me and said "I missed you Mommy!" I just picked him up and held him. I put my children in the car and I turned to my sister, as we were driving off, and I said "Did you see that! My son ran to me" and she looked at me and said "Don't cry, you are suppose to be happy" and I kept crying and I told her " Im crying because I am happy. The Lord answered my prayer today and I can't help it". You mothers out there can just imagine what I had been going through the past month or so with my son and for a sudden change like that what mother wouldn't be overwhelmed with joy! I love my son so much and I know its not his fault or he was purposely doing it but I had to learn to be patient and keep my faith in Him. Now that started my weekend off GREAT!

Serina, is so hyper this weekend I thought I was going to lose my mind! haha She was just following me everywhere and after I took my baby a bath, I was putting lotion on her and Serina quirts a HUGE amount on her hand and starts rubbing it on my baby! Lets just saying I had enough to put on her and the baby and ME! But she only wants to help and I can't blame her but good gosh. :)

Alayna, is getting HUGE and spoiled and she knows it! I think she is actually teething now, she's been a little fussy and she isn't eating so much anymore. Hopefully this is a quick and smooth process for her. I never had a problem with Fidel and Serina when they were teething, it was actually easy. Now at night they were a little fussy but a little baby orajel did it! *crossing fingers*

My sister and her husband are living together again and I am so thankful! They came to church with me and my sister loves my church. Remind you, she hasn't been to church in at least 4 years! Well her husband wasn't too fond of it but he was raised as a Catholic so they don't really get into the Bible or the preaching as we do. But my sister is coming with me tomorrow to a "Ladies Tea Meeting" and her and her hubby may go Wednesday night too! I am so happy! My youngest brother is getting Baptized on Wednesday and I told him "Mijo, they asked me to run the nursery (which is something I still want to talk about) and I won't be in the service" and he said "Thats fine" and I said "I won't be in the service and you have to sit without me" and he said "That's ok, I don't mind" WOW, not I wasn't discouraging my brother from going I just wanted to make sure he knew I wouldn't be in service! I invited my sister and hopefully she goes so that he won't sit alone. Oh ok, before I foget, one of the ladies asked me to run the nursery Wednesday night and I happily agreed. Now I been having this urge to ask someone where I can volunteer at in the church but just been too shy too. And when she came to me I took it! How could I say no!!

Ok I have work to do right now... may update more later.

Mother of MANY Yep that's me!

2006-08-31T11:39:00.000-07:00

I don't think I have ever written on how I feel when people say "how are ALL your children?" haha Ok I know I am 24 and I have 3 children and Alex's little girl that I love so much and I wish she were mine so I really have 4. Now, I know I'm young but I love my children! I don't regret them or wish I could take them back. Not one part of me wants to! I do wish I would have finished college before having my children but they are here and I love them! The court can tell me how "immature" I am for having another baby, people make their faces at me or get smart comments like "hey baby-factory" but you know what Deal With It! I AM IN LOVE WITH MY CHILDREN! I can't help it. I take care of them, they have what they need and they have so much love that surrounds them everywhere they go. I crave to be with my children, I look forward to every morning I wake up and see their beautiful faces peacefully dreaming and when they wake up they come to my bed and wake me up with a kiss saying "Good morning momma". They motivate me to do things with my life, to get things right with God! They are one of my reasons why I changed my ways and giving everything to Him. My life, my children's lives, my everything!

Now this is not to my friends who just play with me. This is for those who don't know me or my children but who judge me.

Ok... On a much more happy note, IM SICK! hahaa I think I have a flu again or something, I could not sleep last night, my whole body is aching, my throat hurts and I feel sick! I need sleep! That day will come when my children turn AT LEAST 18 hahaha....

I think I am going to cut my hair. Now for the bloggers who have never seen me, I have very very long hair that is past my bottom, medium light brown/blonde (I really don't know the actual color ha), I don't put products in my hair except shampoo and conditioner, its all natural. Well Its too long! haha I know I will have a lot of "words" from most of you *cough ASH cough* but its just an idea. I don't think I'm brave enough to do so but anyone have any ideas on what to do with my hair. I always have it down or in a pony tail, I want something different and I would prefer not to cut it but I need ideas! I can't curl it, it doesn't stay no more than an hour even if I put a whole can of hair spray in my hair. Plus I have 3 children that I don't have time to be stuck in the restroom..
Ideas?? Anyone??

I gotta work...

2006-08-26T12:32:00.000-07:00

I have my children and I wish I could be at home with them right now... but I gotta work. I picked up my children yesterday and my son started acting up again, but I he's home with me. When I got him in the car, Fidel (sr) told me I have to take him to the doctor or else he was going to. Ok, now he's had him this whole time why didn't he take my son to the doctor?? Anyways, Sunday when I picked him up last time I thought he had a bruise on his eye so I took pics and kept asking him "What happened to your eye?" and he kept saying "I was in a tree and bad boy and girl pulled me down?" So I asked him "what are they're names" and he just kept saying "bad boy and girl" So I left it alone, THEN I noticed it started to puss a little bit but not enough to where I can pop it. To me I thought maybe a ant bit him while he was in the tree or something, and my son wouldn't let me touch it. When I picked him up yesterday my son's eye would only open half way! Well after I saw it this time I knew it was the same thing my little girl had. Remember that boil that she had on her little bottom, well that's on my son's eye. So I took him to the doctor this morning before I came to work and they gave him a shot which , hopefully, will kill the infection but if not then in a couple of days I have to take him to the emergency room and get them to cut it open and but the doctor wants to avoid that because there are a lot of nerves in the eye. Not only that, I paid the co-pay PLUS the left over amount that Fidel (sr) left from the hospital bill and then the medicine. I am not going to worry *starting to panic a little*. God will see me through this financial situation. At least my son is being taken care of now.

Serina is still very happy and now is in this thing where she says "Momma you want to see something cool?" and she'll try to do a cartwheel! hahaha

Alayna is so chunky!!!! And so happy!! Its like she knows when Fidel and Serina are around because she starts wanting more attention when they are there! Spoiled little girl!

God is certainly working, my brother got saved back in May and went a few times to church but then just stopped and started on the wrong path again. Well he called me a little while ago and asked if he could go to church with me tomorrow! THANK GOD! I have been praying and praying and I knew God was going to do something. I just had to be patient.

Half :) /Half :(

2006-08-25T13:51:00.000-07:00

:)

1. I get my children today
2. Blessing are starting to come in
3. Able to get some real grocies for my kids (and no we aren't starving NOT THAT SERIOUS)
4. My friends are so wonderful to me
5. Saved some money on car insurance!

:(

1. Found out my NEW monthly bill a month on the credit card we had been using for court(more than 3x we were paying)
2. Running out of ways to get someone to pick up my son from school without me losing my job
3. Trying to find out how I can come up with $1,200 within a couple of weeks
4. To come up with $3,300 for my lawyer in 6 weeks
5. I CANNOT SKIP TITHES THIS CHECK! but am so tempted to.. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN

Lord please!!

2006-08-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

I don't want to give up! But I am so weak right now! I can't lose my kids Lord! I want my children to be raised in a loving, Godly home and Fidel isn't going to do that! Please Please Please help me! I can't take it, I financially, emotionally and physically CANNOT do it! I have 6 weeks till trail and I am running out of energy and strength! Lord, I have left it up to you and I will continue to have faith but Lord I feel I just can't handle anything else being thrown at me! I just can't!

Please dear God, give me strength, wisdom and courage to keep going!

Lord give me patience!

2006-08-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

Ok my weekend started off great (at first)! Went to Lisa's about 7 or so and talked a while and started making our grilled chicken salad! Which by the way was AWESOME! She bought some wine and, LOL, I've only had wine once and so I don't know how to really drink it. I took a big GULP! hahaha Oh no no no! So I started sipping on it and it just didn't do well with me! Andrea shared some of her peach wine stuff and it was good but Im just not a peach person. So Lisa's MAN bought me a six pack of Barcardi O3. NOW THAT DID IT! I was feelin' pretty good when I left! Had to leave about 10:30 because Alex was flippin out and headed to my house with the baby. SO I left after his 20th call and he told me he was waiting at my house with the baby! ARRRG! So I left because I just can't have my baby waiting in a car in my back yard! So I got there and fell asleep! Thanks Lisa, it was short but I had a great time! It was nice to get out and be with friends for a little while!

Now Saturday! MY actual Birthday! I locked myself out of the house and of course my house keys are on my cars keys! So I was out in the heat and finally called Alex to get me! So I didn't work like I had planned to!

Sunday! I go to pick up my kids... NOW HERE IT GOES:

Me and Alex's sister get to his house about 30 mins early so that we can take pics of the house. Fidel has everyone believing that he lives in the front house when he actually lives in the back house next to an alley and no gate to close it off. They found out me and his sister were taking pics of the house and he recorded my son crying that he didn't want to go with me. But what they recorded was Fidel bringing my son half-way down the walkway and letting him run back in then he tells me "Call the cops". Then I yelled back at him "Why do we always have to involve the cops just bring my son out to me?" and he just kept saying "Call the cops" So I called and they told me that I have to have my papers with me so I run back home and on my way back to his house he calls me telling me "I'll take mijo to school and you can pick him up from there" and I said " I'm on my way back to get him" him-"oh you are still going to try" me- "yea this is my time with my son" him- "Just make sure you call the cops" *end call* He calls back not even 5 mins later "I'm leaving you'll just have to get him tomorrow" me- "Um no your family can bring him out to me" him- "I'm leaving now and he's going with me" me- "where are you taking him" him- "I'm not going to tell you" me- "you have to tell me, you can't take my son somewhere on my time and not tell me" him- "I don't have to tell you anything BYE" me- "Fidel don't hang up" him- "What" me- "where are you taking my son" him - " BYE" *end call* while I was arguing with him Alex's sister is calling the cops on her phone. So we are about to turn on his street and he is racing passed us so we start to chase him and I call the cops and they told me that I have to be at the pick up location in order to have a report made so we go back to his house (we had already lost him at the second light). We wait and wait while his family is on the phone laughing and pointing at us. The cops came and I get out and show them my papers and his brother and mother start walking towards us and the cops tell them to stay away! HA! So I explained that my son does fight with me a little but I need him with me on my time and I look down his drive way!! MY EX IS THERE AT THE HOUSE!!!! He drove through the alley and went through the back so he was there the whole time!!! And I told them I didn't know he was there. So they took down some info and went to his house and they searched his brother and his brother started saying something and they asked "Are you the father" and he said no and they told him they wanted to talk to him. SO Fidel comes out and the only thing I heard was the cops telling him "He is not 18 and has no choice, per court orders your son has to come with her!" then his brother started saying "so he has to go even if...." cops- "you're not the parent so you don't say anything" .... So my son came out and started to run back in and I grabbed him and picked him up and I said "Look at mommy, what don't you want to come with mommy?" He calmed down and just said "I want to stay with papi" and I walked to the car just talking to him and he sat in his seat and we left! The whole time his brother was recording us RECORD THAT!! Drama!!! Now why put my son through all of that! He should have just brought him out to me where I can get him and let us leave instead of all that! Its not healthy for my kids to call the cops everytime I go to pick them up! But instead of listening to me the guy that I was paying $150 an hour for and the Social worker think I am too immature to take care of my kids because I had another baby. Ok, get over it! They are saying I drove my ex crazy because I started "dating" Alex and that set him off. Ummm no he was crazy before I started dating Alex. Actually that's the whole reason why I left him.

Well all I can do it leave it to God and have him handle it.

Oh my goodness... LOL

2006-08-18T12:22:00.000-07:00

Ok my job celebrated my B-day today! I have a funny hat and they even had a pinata for me!! hahah FILLED TO THE TOP with candy and chocolate cake!!! I swear.. They even spun me around and blind folded me!! hahaha

Why is he still at my house ASLEEP!

2006-08-17T11:46:00.000-07:00

I know what I want... and its not this!

2006-08-17T07:29:00.000-07:00

As you all know, me and Alex are not "together". We made an agreement that we would be separated but still try things out when our divorces were final. WELL, I've been holding my end but Alex has this crazy idea he can still keep tabs on me and tell me what to do. I was dumb enough to let him know what I was doing but as far as telling me what to do NOPE not anymore. Well, last night he called me about 1:30 AM telling me that he was coming over to my house, I repeatedly told him "NO" and just finally hung up. He calls me at 3:30 AM and says the same thing but instead he was saying "Baby, I need to get laid and I want to be with you" NEED TO GET LAID!! What is wrong with him?!?! Of course he was drunk and out with his cousins! So I blew it off and went back to sleep. He calls me again at 5:50 AM and says "I'm on my way" and I told him "NO" and turned my phone off, I had to get up in 20 mins to get ready for work! So at 6:10 AM he is yanking my screen door, about to wake up the baby so I finally let him in! He stumbled to lay in my bed and was like "Baaabe, Baaaabe, Baaaby" I ignored him! I was so disgusted with him!! I was thinking to myself, as I was getting ready for work, this is not what I want! This is not what I want for my children! I am not going to continue with this at all!! So I know he is going to call me as soon as he wakes up and try and sweet talk me but I am going to tell him flat out "Leave me alone, until you get your life right with God there will be nothing more between us!" and that will be that!!!

I finally went to church last night and will be going tonight too! Revelations Conference goes thru until Friday! It was good! Everything the preacher was preaching felt like it was for me! I know it was God talking to me and telling me what I need to do! And this morning proved it! I know I wasn't meant to have a drunk for a "husband" or someone who is still going to run the streets at night! And I am NOT going to settle for that! I deserve more, God knows my heart and my desires and I have faith that He is going to bless me and my children in so many ways but I have been blocking my blessing for Alex. Not anymore!

Oh and Lisa, I emailed you twice, and I don't think you're getting my emails but I'm getting yours!

Update Needed!!!

2006-08-15T06:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, I finally got my son Saturday morning since he still fought to come with me Friday evening. I called the cops twice because my ex refused to bring him out saying something is going on at my house. Cops never came so I went back Saturday with Alex's sister and my ex told me to call the cops because he wasn't going to bring him out. So I did and I gave the cop my court order and he order Fidel to bring my son out. THANK GOD! My son fought with me and Alex's sister, he even pulled her hair and slapped her. She was surprised at how my son was acting. She said "Oh my God, Crystal I've never seen him like this, he has always been a sweet heart". He was screaming and yelling the whole time and I kept asking him "Why don't you want to come with momma?" and FINALLY he said it "Because papi said you will give me Pow-Pow(spanking)!" WHAAAAT!!!! That blew my mind!!! Does my ex know he is not hurting me but is hurting the children!! But now my son is home with momma and is my happy, sweet little boy! He started school yesterday and loves it!! He even told me "Momma you have to pick me up today and tomorrow from school, ok?!" hahaha Unfortunately, I can't pick him up tomorrow b/c its his daddy's turn but MAN I would love too!! I didn't go to church Sunday, HUGE migraine and neck was killing me. Got a lot done at home, spent my time with the children, played, watched cartoons and even just watched the baby together! I hated missing church but I felt I needed to be home with them. I think I work too much and barely have time with them and they notice that. So I have to make more of an effort not to rush to get things done during the weekday and take my time with the kids, even if I get done with everything and finally in bed by 12!

Ok ya'll 5 days till my BIRTHDAY!!! Wooohoo!! I will be a big 2 4 !!!!!!!!!!

Thank Ya'll so much for the encouraging words and support! This is so hard to go through alone! But THANK GOD I have Him and wonderful friends and some family that cares!!

LIFE....

2006-08-09T06:59:00.000-07:00

need I say more!

Ok ok okokok..... Things seem to still fall down on me! I need prayers!! Lots and lots of prayers!! I'm trying to stay strong and sane, which for the most part I am but a part of me just wants to let go and give up. I know I am never going to do that but its just how I feel.

Ex.
1. I have my children Sun-Wed. *crying* This is the 2nd time my son fought to come with me. He even said " I don't love momma " that just killed me inside. The 1st time my ex was nice enough ( I know I know AMAZING) to drop him off at my house and my son was fine he played with me and had a great time. This time he absolutely did NOT want to get in my car and come. I even went back Monday after my chiropractor appt still no luck! I spent over an hour trying to get him to come with me. So I didn't have him this time but I am going to make another attempt to get him this weekend! I need my son! I need my time with him! I need to find out why he doesn't want to come! I can't handle my child not wanting momma! He loves me I know he does but why is he acting this way! How can I get my son to want to come with me?? I don't need this.

2. Alex was putting Serina in the car when I picked them up and he says (talking to Serina) "at least you want to spend time with me" Do you care how hurt I am?!?! Why would you say something so hurtful like that knowing how much I love my children?!?!

Am I going crazy?!? I need to learn how to pray more and to give it all to Him and have faith! I've changed my life but I still haven't learned to LIVE for him! You know.

*OPEN INVITATION*
Sun-Thurs 8/13-8/17
Trinity Baptist Church
Arlington, Tx
Revelation Conference Week! Come out hear the Word of God, its all about the book of Revelation! Its going to be great!! If you would like to come leave me your email address and I will send you the address and maybe some directions! ;)

Its final, done deal, Im officially single...

2006-08-05T12:27:00.000-07:00

Now I have told some of what happened and received many responses. I take blame for me over reacting and causing the situation, when I should have just let it go. Now that doesn't mean he's right for what he did and I deserved it! Not at all! But I should have just let it go. Well I talked to him last night and asked for forgiveness and he asked the same. All is forgiven. We agree to be separated and let each other think things through and still be there for one other, the communication will still be open and respect each other. We agreed that maybe once my divorce is final and his too, we can try and make things work. We love each other so much and want to be a family together. But if I can't let go of the past, see his changes and not argue with him all the time~~ it will never work! He has things he needs to take care of, stress cannot take place with him right now because he will end up in the hospital (health reasons) and priorities he needs to get together. We gave each other a loooong, warm and loving hug and said good bye. I admit after he left, I cried so hard and prayed a short prayer for myself. It hurts more for some reason when both know that they can't be together at that present time but they want to so badly. I prayed that God completely takes over my life, take away the anger I have, take away all the stress of my life, to heal me and to fill me with his spirit everyday so that I may live for Him COMPLETELY. I feel the change I do but time will tell. How can I expect God to bless me if I can't give my complete self to Him?? I give what I want and live for the flesh. God doesn't want half of me, He wants ALL of me. I have changed what I wanted about me for Him but I need to give it all. I was living in the life called Adultery and I am not and cannot do it anymore. If me and Alex are meant for each other, God will bring us together. But if God has someone else in mind or no one at all, I will find out and it will be a blessing either way. I never stopped and thought about it but Adultery is a serious problem especially in God's eyes. I gave it up! Now watch how he will change me!

PISSED!!!

2006-08-03T07:32:00.000-07:00

I was at church last night and Alex calls me asking if he could go to Mexico until Saturday!!
1. Why the fuck would you even consider going IF IM HURT AND SICK and NEED your help with the baby!
2. You need to look for a fucking job!
3. Selfish mother-F-er!
So we get into it and it ends with him saying "Forget it Im not going" And I told him "Just go I don't need you, I can make it like I always do!"
The fucked up part is, he went drinking last night with his cousin and used MY fucking bank card and never came to the house last night! When I picked up the baby after church he told me he would be at my house in a little bit! I look at my account today, Guess what, there are 3 separate charges for about $7 each! If I had money to spend IT NOT FOR YOU TO GO DRINKING WITH!!! That's my money!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your cousins don't help you! When you need money or anything me and Lilly(his older sister) are the ones there!! But YOU didn't help me because you want to go drinking with THEM! His step-father just told him "How do you expect your family to work if they cant depend on you?" I wrote him a text message saying "I don't think he was talking about your cousins but the family YOU created!" I have a migraine I haven't been able to get rid of since the freakin' accident!!!!! I didn't sleep last night 1. waiting on him! 2. the baby was up crying! 3. my migraine kept waking me up!

So when I dropped the baby off I wrote him and his sister a text message saying "Alex will be watching the baby tonight, I will not be picking her up. I have things I want to do. If he can't stay there with the baby he can go to his mom's house to watch her!".... Well that's not word for word but you have the idea!

One thing after another

2006-08-02T10:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, as some may know. I was involved in a accident and I am feeling it now! I am going to try and see a chiropractor for my pain. Thank goodness the guy's insurance isn't giving me any hassles about anything and are covering everything. I picked up my rental a '07 Malibu. Niiiice! Eats up gas like no other but nice! Had my kids this weekends and Dang I had no time to think about my pain until we laid down to sleep Sunday night and it all hit me! I did work Tuesday sick and in pain. (how many times have you seen PAIN in this paragraph and I ain't even done yet! haha)

Well, before I forget, I think the guy ran a stop sign or just took off too fast and his me in the back driver side where my gas tank is and I did a 180 one way then back 180 the other. So yea he had to be speeding! But whatever.

I was actually able to take my kids to McDonald's this weekend and get them HAPPY MEALS!! Not the $1 menu but freakin' HAPPY MEALS!! Oh my goodness, I miss seeing their faces light up when they see the boxes knowing their toys are inside! hahaa Priceless! hahaha

Sorry.......

2006-07-25T09:19:00.000-07:00

I know this was waay over-due. But here it goes, I went to court and we didn't even see the judge. Found out that my "husband" (my lawyer explained he is still my husband, so he still has that title) got anger management classes! FINALLY someone sees it! We all have to take parenting classes (which I don't mind I might learn something new with me have 3 kids and all, haha) Basically, my ex has nothing on me except that I am unstable, other than that I've Got This! So all-in-all it was pretty good! God takes care of his children!

Alex is being Alex.

My children are more talkative than usual. I mean OH MY GOODNESS, all I hear is "Where's Alayna? Momma I love you! Where's papi? I'm hungry! I wanna watch cartoons!" Ok, I just fed you, you know how to turn on the TV and Alayna is RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! hahaha I love them to death but good gosh, ya'll would be so much cuter if it could just be quiet for 2 mins! hahaha

I was feeding Alayna right before I was going to bed and my 2 oldest ones (who were suppose to be asleep by the way) kept running in giving me a hug, yelling "I love you" as they ran back to their beds. It was like who can run the fastest and who would give up first. It was at least 20 times they did that! Never again will I give them a popsicle after 5pm!

Suddenly I am not so scared!

2006-07-19T05:14:00.000-07:00

Today's verse of the Day- Biblegateway.com

" Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. "- Isaiah 41:10

I have court today and I this is just right on time! God knows how to comfort you in time of need!

There's something going on!

2006-07-17T13:43:00.000-07:00

There has to be something going on!! I seriously think Fidel is paying this guy under the table!! That stupid guy we have to pay $150/hr for is full of it!! I feel like he has it in for me! When I mentioned to him JUST ONE of my concerns for my kids which was how he dresses them in inappropriate clothes (too big, too small, or not enough!). DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE TOLD ME!!!!! I explained my concern because there are perverts out there that don't give a damn how old the children are!! "Well as long as they are clothed then there's really nothing wrong. You know research shows the more the children are clothed, the more innocent they look the more they attract. Most girls in churches are molested or rape." WHAT THE HECK IS HE THINKING??!! I mean come on!! What kind of morals are you wanting for my little girl? I am paying YOU $150/hr to tell me some CRAP like that!!! Seriously!! Am I wrong on this??

I really don't want to explain the rest right now... still mad!

Who's around when I need them??

2006-07-13T09:49:00.000-07:00

I didn't get as many responses on my baby's picture like I thought I would. But I guess that's how it works when you want to brag about your children nowadays. But I know I have beautiful children and don't need any responses to prove it to me. Anyways, went to church and Lisa was my "note-taker" during service! hahaha I had my hands full with my baby and couldn't write and flip through the Bible. THANKS LISE!! I've been having drama like usual and church really turned everything around for me last night. I don't feel this heavy burden like I did before I went last night. I've missed a week of church and just really have been missing it!
Me and Lisa have really clicked every since we started emailing each other and I have just realized (now that I really stopped to think about it) she is the only one I really talk to and see or even posts on my blog! No one calls to at least make sure I'm sane, wants to actually do something without drinking and livin' the night life. As you can tell, I don't do or want to do those things anymore and I feel like Lisa and Jamal really understand and is still there! Before I got pregnant EVERYONE would call to see what I was doing, where I wanted to go drink at, ect. and promised "Just because your pregnant/or had your baby doesn't mean we wouldn't call you or see you anymore". Can you see where I am confused with this "friend" thing?? Everyone knows what a difficult time I am going through and its hard! I have a chance of losing my children to some A*hoe that lies and is out just to hurt me and is not considering my children being affected at all! I'm paying out my butt court fees, lawyer fees, co-parenting guy fees ($150/hr) and so far we have had 3 hrs scheduled with him and I still have to provide for my children everything they need. I need my friends there! My family is caught up in their own lives that all I can depend on to keep me from falling apart are Alex's family and MY friends.
Lisa, I just want you to know that your friendship means so much to me. Everyday we email, occasional church "dates" (haha), you always having an open invitation, and just being my friend even with my prayers, my God, my children YOU help me get through EVERYTHING I go through everyday! Without your friendship being there constantly I don't know if I would be this strong! THANK YOU!
And Jamal- I know we don't talk to each other on the phone or see each other outside of work, but your emails and advice is the world to me! I love being able to get a male's opinion and honest answers even if I don't like it! haha You always have an open mind, ready to make me laugh and always with an open invitation for me to come to you and you'll ALWAYS be there! THANK YOU!

wanna cry

2006-07-07T08:39:00.000-07:00

I can't get over how beautiful my children are. I have no updates on my other 3 children yet but this is my baby Alayna Rosalinda, now 3 1/2 months!

Busy Busy-Like Always

2006-07-06T08:14:00.000-07:00

My week has been so so. It was either heck or very good! I had my children this weekend and had a blast with them. We watched movies Friday, Saturday went to the Science Place, mall then watched movies at home. Sunday went to Lisa's about 2:30 and had a great time, my kids went swimming, played with her dog and we made chili cheese hotdogs and ended that with some banana fudge icecream which I had to put in a bowl for my kids because one fell off the stick (luckily I was outside and it fell on the ground and not her carpet!). Some drama on the way home with my brother, which was with me at Lisa's but its all good, brother and sister thing I guess. Monday worked! :( Tuesday worked :( Yes I worked on 4th of July!! Sucked but I got off at 1. Went to my house had a bar-b-que, went to Alex's sisters, then to my dad's then ended the night at Alex's cousin where we did our little firework show for all the people there who did buy anything and all the kids were running around enjoying it! It felt good knowing they wouldn't have seen any fireworks if we hadn't of did ours there. Then Alex decided that night he wanted to talk alllllll night! From the time we got to my house 10:30 till 2 am we TALKED about everything you can think of!!

Ok, well I will have to update this later!

Mind blowing!

2006-06-28T13:14:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading ALL my blogs that I ever posted and talk about mind blowing! I was a stupid stupid insecure little "girl" back then and I see how weak I was before I actually started living for Him! Wow God certainly makes us stronger and wiser and we don't even realize it. I was reading and I saying to myself "why did I believe him? Was I really that ignorant to wait for him? NEVER AGAIN" and when I say that I mean it! NEVER AGAIN! But I am stronger and I have a better MAN in my life and He is not going anywhere AGAIN! I will continue to put Him first, do my tithes every check, read the Bible, pray, and have Faith that no matter what comes my way I will have my God first! He's the Man of my life! No one has ever taken care of me, taken me in their arms, or even had as much Love for me like He has! So why let Him go? Why not put Him first? Why? I remembered when I would cry every night that I was pregnant wondering why I was going through what I was going through, I didn't deserve it! Guess what I DIDN'T!! I put my self there, I didn't allow myself to believe anyone could treat me with respect, to have unconditional LOVE for me, to care about me and to actually put ME first! Now that I have God first in my life, I believe in all that now, I expect it all now, I want it all now, I deserve it!

So-So

2006-06-26T07:51:00.000-07:00

My weekend was so-so... it had its ups and downs. I finally got Alex to take off the rims on my car and put my tires back on. I missed a get-together at Lisa's but I got the rest I had been missing out on for a while. I relaxed all day Saturday, just watched movies and lay in my bed with my daughter. Alex confessed a lot of feelings he had that I never knew he thought about but he was on some shit! I was pissed at him but he promised me over and over again that he would never do that again but that everything he said to me was the truth. I never thought that he would open up as much as he did Saturday. Im not going to update too much now, not really in the mood for some reason. I think its just because it a Monday.

HE IS THE ONLY ONE....

2006-06-21T13:01:00.000-07:00

Who can really piss me off!!!!! My ex just called me and told me to never cut my son's hair again because we had to cut his hair to, practically, skin bald because Alex gave him a fade but he moved and the only way to fix it was to "skin" him! So Fidel calls me B*ing at me telling me to never cut his hair again, blahblahblah, and I yelled at him saying "Well I cut his hair all the time, it isn't like you cut it or keep up with it" and told me that he'll cut his hair from now on and he was waiting for his hair to grow out to give him a fade?? Ok now it doesn't take 3 months for hair to grow out for a FADE!!! I have been cutting his hair this whole time and the one time we make a mistake and have to "skin" him he wants to jump on my A* ... SCREW YOU!!!!!!! He is my son too and if I want to keep my son looking good, which means giving him a hair cut too, I'm going to do it!

Ok I'm done venting!

Tests of Faith

2006-06-21T11:35:00.000-07:00

Now those of us who believe in God know how we go through tests of Faith. Sometimes we may lose our job, have financial trouble, problems with others, going to court for lies that your ex doesn't want to admit, ect. Just keep your faith and pray and know that God is going to see you through and everything will work out whether its how you want it or not. I know I have been put to the test plenty of times and I fail time and time again, BUT lately since I have been really straightening out my life for Him, I am pretty sure I have past most tests that have been thrown to me lately. Just remember that God is on your side and whatever trouble you may have and feel like you just can't get things right, its only temporary and God has something better planned, just keep your faith, pray and keep yourself close to God.

Which is it??

2006-06-20T07:25:00.000-07:00

Ok now, either ya'll are really praying hard for me or God is really taking care of me. The scary incident that happened Sunday is suddenly not so scary. I will still think about it of course but it doesn't scare me anymore. I'm not saying it completely over or I shouldn't expect it to happen again but for some odd reason everything just seemed to fall into place yesterday.

Ok now!! My children are getting too big too fast!! Fidel is trying hard to take on the big brother role. I think he sees how hard it is to be a big brother! hahaha But I know he enjoys it!

Serina on the other hand is acting/imitating ME! She says everything I say to the baby like "Good morning Sunshine" "Who's the pretty girl? That's my pretty girl" and if I get "on" to my son and I put my hand on my hips, she'll do that same thing and look at me and make the same faces and repeat what I say! Haha TOO FUNNY! But I tell her to stop because no matter how cute it is my son doesn't need to hear it from her only from mommy!

And Alayna! She is getting so fat and chunky and so beautiful! She is going to the doctor this Saturday so I will be able to tell you how much she actually weights!! She plays with me now... I'll acted like I'm "biting" her feet and she'll laugh and stick her foot out and I'll "bite" it again!! I tickle her on her underarm and she'll laugh. SHE'S SO CUTE!!!

*Missing my babies*

Just Pray For Me!

2006-06-19T13:06:00.000-07:00

My weekend had its up and downs... mainly ups because I had my children, other than that it sucked! I've been put in a scary situation that I have been in before but I am at least making an attempt to get myself out before it gets worse. Please don't ask me what it is because its something I really don't want to open up about but I just need you to pray for strength for me. It has me really thinking about what I care about the most and what I want for me and my children. Is this something I want my children around? Is this what I really want for ME? Is this the best I can do? Don't I deserve to be happy? Does God want me wait to see changes? God has everyone's life planned out, is this what I am meant to have? What do I deserve? You know... I know I deserve better or am I making myself think that way?

My life's changing before MY eyes!

2006-06-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows how hard I have been fighting my ex in court to get my children back and one, really the only, down-fall I had were my warrants that I , keyword, HAD in Dallas and Farmers Branch. My ex felt that the children were not safe with me b/c I could get pulled over with my children in the car and they would go to CPS. BS!! he doesn't care about that and ya'll know it. Well I have prayed so much and of course everyone else prayers are working and making things right! I have been working OT every week, cut down on my spending, I mean I've done everything but I just couldn't get the money all at once! Well, Alex's parents didn't know how serious my warrants were until we got a letter from the courts saying we have court on the 23rd to see if we can agree to my children staying with Fidel and he would pick them up and drop them off every other weekend and I wouldn't have to pay Child Support. Well Alex's parent has helped me so much they paid my warrants off!!!! I owed Dallas 3,142 and Farmers Branch 255 and they paid it!!! I still have to pay them monthly but ITS PAID!!! I can now get my DL back and go to court next Friday and walk in there and say "Boooyaahhh, WHAT NOW" haha not really like that but I know my ex will be surprised and it going to throw them off track, they are not going to know what to do! But I want to thank everyone for their prayers and positive comments on my situations!! Oh yea and I don't speed anymore! *GASP* I didn't think it was possible but I am actually scared to speed now! hahaha

The Lord is so great! Just as someone reminded me today "everyone comes in our lives for a reason" and I am just so thankful for Alex's parents/family and all my friends and my family member who pray for us and support us!

God doesn't give you things you can't handle, and IF you feel you can't then give it ALL to Him! He'll take care of it for you!

No situation is worth getting stressed about! Especially when the Lord is first in your life!

God doesn't put you in bad situations, He gets you out of situations YOU put yourself into! But I promise you, you will come out of it a better and wiser and more thankful person!

Not fully recovered!

2006-06-12T07:32:00.002-07:00

Ok my weekend really really sucked!! I was sick, I didn't even get my baby until Sunday afternoon! I MISSED HER SO MUCH!! I just couldn't do it. I ran fever off and on, my body ached so much, I couldn't stop coughing and sneezing. It was bad. Now I feel better just not yet fully recovered. I think I just need some sleep and I'll be ok.
Now here are some reasons why my weekend really sucked:

1. I wasn't able to go to Lisa's Friday
2. Missed Lisa's B-day party Saturday night!
3. Talked to my lawyer and I have to offically stop talking to Alex
4. I have to pay off my warrants and back C S in order to help my case with my kids
5. My mom SUCKS!!
6. My grandmother is childish!
7. Alex continues to piss me off!
8. I am so broke I can't even afford the dollar menu! haha now that was just funny
9. My manager won't get off my ass
10. I came and worked 6 hrs Saturday while I was sick as hell
11. Alex ran into Mea(Natalie's mother) and she still doesn't give a shit about Natalie she just wants Alex to sign divorce papers!! (Selfish B*)

OK I not done venting but this will do!

MAVS BAAAAABY!!!

2006-06-09T07:14:00.000-07:00

CAN I GET A WOOT WOOT!!!

WHO'S RUN THIS?!?!?

MAVS BAABY!!

Ok guys Im still sick, I have the flu, my body hurts my head hurts even my eyes hurt. Im coughing like crazy... did you see that, it was my lung.... sneezing everywhere, runny nose, fever, everything man!!! My poor Lise!!! Im sorry to do this to you but *sign* I don't think I can make it tonight. I can't even be with my baby girl :*(

Does anyone have a "cure"?!?!? I've been like this for the past 3 days, its time for me to get better already!!!

2006-06-07T12:32:00.000-07:00

Well my ex wants to terminate Alex completely from seeing Serina, have the kids live with him and I won't have to pay Child Support! Can I say ASSHOE?!?!! He doesn't even take care of them right!!! Hell I have to cut my son's hair, cut their nails, in other words I do all the grooming for them!! I have to take them a bath every time I get them. They are always filthy and hungry when I pick them up... I don't mind feeding or bathing them but why doesn't he do his part?!?!?! Heres a pic... its kinda hard to see them but Im sure you can make it out... My ex sent my little girl in this outfit!! And you wonder why there are sick men out there who take little girls!! BASTARD!! Remind you she is 3 yrs old not 30!! The top is a size 5 and the shorts are a size 2! It only ties in the back the whole back is showing!!! She's 3 and as she says it " Im a pretty princess" Im taking that to my lawyer Saturday for my appointment... and Im taking the pics with me too! He had her in a size 18M shirt/2T short that wouldn't even button and my son in a 2T shirt last time...
Serina's 3 going to be 4 in October
and Fidel is 4 going to be 5 in August

I am sick today, haven't had any good real straight 8 hour sleep, been on temper tantrum for the 2-3 days. I am pissed off at Alex for some news I got on Saturday and I need another job!!

Ok well lets talk about good news. I had my children all weekend and it was great!!! My baby girl is smiling a whole lot more on her own. She knows how to laugh a little and she recognizes me when others are around me she just focuses on me!! OMG!!! I love it!!! I love her!! I love my children!!!

Ok that's enough for right now.. I really don't feel good!

Natalie

2006-06-02T11:20:00.000-07:00

This is Natalie! Isn't she pretty?!

2006-06-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

Now isn't this a face of someone who is up to no good! "Look at me I'm a sweetheart, NOW give me money!" hahaha I love her!

Well I get my children today and its like my stress relief is FINALLY here!! haha I had planned on taking them to the movies but I am waay to tired and I have a Dr appt at 9 so I have to go to sleep early tonight. I am gong to get their pics done on the 16th of this month so I will have them ready to update on my page once I get them. Its going to be Fidel, Natalie, Serina and Alayna. I am not photogenic so I will not be in it. Sorry to disappoint all my fans but its not going to happen! haha

Well like I said, I have my Dr appt tomorrow at 9 and I am really really scared/nervous. Only a select few people know what's going on and I plan to keep it that way until further notice ;) No offense to those who don't know or who I gave vague details to, its just something I don't want out there until I am ready to react to others reactions.

Well I am waay too tired to write anymore... I will update Monday! OH yea I have court Monday so pray for my children and for me as well as Alex as we go to pre-trial Monday.

My prayer

2006-05-30T11:00:00.000-07:00

Lord,

I know I have come to you over and over again for my mistakes. I don't question why things happen to me because I know why, its the consequences of my actions and it also keeps me humble to you. Lord with the current situation that I was just faced with Saturday just has me thinking of everything that I care most for.
-You Lord
-my children
-my family
-Alex
-his family
-my friends (even those I haven't talked to in years)
-my past loves
-my future
-my dreams
-my blessings
-my regrets
-my everything
Lord I pray through Jesus Christ that you help me with this situation. Keep those who will be of help to me, and an inspiration to me close. I need them, Lord, more than ever right now. I will keep my head up and face this as strong as I can. I won't deny that I am scared but I have you in my heart and by my side. I know if I die today that I am going to be with you in Heaven, I have no doubt about that. I know I haven't been a perfect example for you and I continue to sin, but I know you love me just the way I am. You know my heart, Lord. I pray for forgiveness for the past and future sin that I know I will commit. Lord be with my children, continue to bless them and keep them safe when I am not able to watch them and protect them. I know they know I love them and I know they will remember that. Lord be with my family, Alex and his family, my friends and their family and future family that may be planned for them. Help them to become close to you and to see that You are the only way they'll have peace. Lord I am out of words right now but I TRUST ONLY YOU will keep me sane. I pray for patience and strength to keep going.

I pray this through Jesus Christ AMEN

Confused? Sure I am!!

2006-05-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

Ok this is Fidel and Serina being silly right before we went to bed and they were eating icecream (reason why they are in their pajamas)! I love them so much!!

Ok then... *motherly moment* ;)

Well everyone should know the situation with Alex... Well he has been making attempts to go to church with me and still is treating me like a princess. Heck I can go out with my friends and won't hear a bitchin' from him!! Woooh big surprise. Last night, as we were driving home from church I asked him "Am I making you go to church?" and he said "No, I go to church for you and you are my motivation" Woooow talk about a whole new Alex I haven't seen before! But I am still enjoying the fact that I am single and for him (for a change) to really show me that he wants to be with me!! But, hey, time will tell. I still love him and wish that what he is saying and showing me is really true. Should I let him in or keep him out a little longer? Confused, Fuck yea I am!

GET BETTER LISE!!!

Need to update.... Its not true!!

2006-05-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, it was fun and all and I enjoyed the short, fun, fake engagement but UNFORTUNATELY I hate to break it to ya'll but its not true... Me and Jamal are not getting married.
ONE DAY?!?! hahaha J/K

Well now that's off my chest... I had a great weekend with my children!! I got drunk (children with family spending quality time) Friday watching the game! Damn Mavs! Great game though... then Sat my brother GRADUATED!! Thank God!! I went and bought beer everyone got drunk, except me... watched boxing and had a great time...

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED

2006-05-17T15:41:00.000-07:00

Ok now Jamal let it out of the bag.... He asked me to marry him yesterday and I said yes... ok write more later!!!

WHAT A WEEKEND!

2006-05-15T13:41:00.000-07:00

Now Saturday was the Mother's Day Bar-b-que we had at my house,I had so much fun until about 9 when I got a call from my ex telling me my son was in the hospital again!! Why is it that my children are always sick or injuried when they are with him?!?! But of course the courts don't see that!! Well I guess I can only take it one day at a time and hopefully things will go great 06/05/06 at the pre-trial. PLEASE PRAY FOR THE BEST INTEREST OF MY CHILDREN!! Im leaving it in God's hands whether he intends for my children to be with me or not. He's knows what's best so I will leave it up to him. But prayers will also help too ;)

Well Sunday, wasn't too good until I picked up my children! I felt lonely and Alex took Alayna to his mothers house. So I was alone until 6pm then when I went to go pick up Alayna and Alex proposed to me!! That just blew me away!! I didn't expect that! He asked me what he needed to do to prove to me that he really wanted to be with me and only me! I told him I didn't know and that I don't want to be with anyone. Thats when he asked me "Baby Marry Me?... I want to be with you and only you. I want us to raise our children together...." I still told him no but I feel really bad because I really do believe him but I am scared you know...

Ok... Well I have to go.... Oh and no one called me for Mother's Day which I felt really bad about too. My dad finally called me about 6pm and that was really it and Alex didn't tell me until I talked him when I picked up Alayna... Am I a bad mother??

Dumb Ass!

2006-05-12T10:24:00.000-07:00

Ok I feel like a Dumb Ass!! Lisa practially did everything for me! All I did was read her directions and copy and paste!!

Thanks Lise!

Well I have been in the same situation as Lise for the past year or so with Alex. Actually I think I have it worse, you know it involves kids and all. Alex cried again when I told him to seriously accept the fact that I am not with him. Everytime I "leave" him he would call his daughter and I would talk to her and he knew she is my weakness. Well guess what! He tried that just a couple of minutes ago! I love that girl to death!! Sometimes I just really want to adopt her and become her mother, you know. Her mother hasn't been in her life or even attempted in at least 2 1/2 years. I have been there for her, buying her what she needs and taking her out and spending time with her just like if she were my own! Well heck I had two of her sisters how much closer can I be?!?! Am I really wrong for feeling this way about her? I really do consider her as one of my daughters I Love her soo much that I do see her as my daughter. And Im scared that once Alex realizes that I am not going to be with him that I won't see or talk to her as often or may never again. Should I suck it up and deal with it or should I just let go and if it comes down to it just forget about her? WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR ME?? I don't want anyone to try and take my place with Natalie(Alex's daughter)!

Well I am busy... LATER!!

crazymotherof3

My Birthday

My son is 7

We're On!

Quick update

Im ok!

DEEP BREATHE

Hmmmmmm

Do you feel that???

Valentines Day

I actually did it!

Multimedia message

Multimedia message

I wanna cry!

Actions speaks louder than words

Today maybe...

Trip plannin... Im on it!

Lets see...

Not gonna freak out

What's wrong with me?

He was denied!

He doesn't understand *not surprised*

oh yea

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I'm lame I know!

Guilt maybe?

Im not ready

Its early, I KNOW

Melania Sophia Brannon

Saturday!!!!

Thanks to a friend

The LORD is AWESOME!

BLESSINGS

ITS TIME...

Ok.... here it goes

YESTERDAY'S POST....

Im so HAPPY and its ALL about ME (right now)

POSTPONED AGAIN!

Im freakin' out!!!!

Gettin' better

Drama!

Ooops!

Its like we've known each other FOREVER!

What is he planning now?!

NIIIIIICE! haha

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I need to stop/start

Happy Be-lated Thanksgiving!

Too much....

I lost! How?!?! WHY?

Can I breathe?! Can I ?!

Im baaaaaaack!

Post-poned....

This is hopeless....

On and Off...

Yes, its been a while...

Its been a week...

I know I know

Mother of MANY Yep that's me!

I gotta work...

Half :) /Half :(

Lord please!!

Lord give me patience!

Oh my goodness... LOL

Why is he still at my house ASLEEP!

I know what I want... and its not this!

Update Needed!!!

LIFE....

Its final, done deal, Im officially single...

PISSED!!!

One thing after another

Sorry.......

Suddenly I am not so scared!

There's something going on!

Who's around when I need them??

*wanna cry*

Busy Busy-Like Always

Mind blowing!

So-So

HE IS THE ONLY ONE....

He doesn't understand not surprised

wanna cry